This is Why the Aliens Won’t Talk to Us

To paraphrase Carl Sagan:
In one unremarkable galaxy among hundreds of billions, there is an unremarkable star among hundreds of billions of stars in that one galaxy. Around that star revolves a world with life. Some people who live on that world believe they are the center of the universe.

“I’m shocked at the countless hundreds of millions of dollars that have been spent over the years in the desperate and fruitless search for extraterrestrial life.”

Thus spake Ken Ham, once again jumping up and down in a vain attempt to show that he still has any relevance. Of course, the curator of the biggest excuse for a museum in the history of always, has no problem with the tens of millions of dollars that have been spent – mostly through tax breaks from the idiots in Kentucky’s legislature and junk bonds – in the desperate and fruitless attempt to recreate Noah’s ark alongside his laughable Creation Museum. The way things are going, the chances are we’ll find E.T. long before anybody sets a foot inside Ham’s ark… or sees a return on their investment.

Of course, when you read further into his post, you find that it’s not so much the money he’s worried about, but the fact that those evil, secular scientists are desperate to find extra-terrestrial life, in order to validate their evil theory of evolution and thereby stick to Ham’s God. To quote the bearded manchild again, “Secularists are desperate to find life in outer space, as they believe that would provide evidence that life can evolve in different locations and given the supposed right conditions! The search for extraterrestrial life is really driven by man’s rebellion against God in a desperate attempt to supposedly prove evolution!” The other side of the coin, of course, is that Ham is frantically hoping that they don’t find anything, for the simple reason that it would essentially invalidate his entire existence. This is a man who infamously went on the record during his debate with Bill Nye, saying that nothing – no amount of evidence contrary to his worldview – would change his mind. One can only assume then, that the first appearance of little green men on our TV screens, will be accompanied by the sound of Ham’s head exploding.

Bu yes, damn those scientists for rebelling against God! If only they read the Bible, then they’d know there’s no point in looking for them because a) the Bible doesn’t mention them, so therefore they can’t exist (ironically Ham doesn’t seem to grasp that neither does the Bible mention electricity, the internet, computers, Windows, WordPress or Blogspot, or whatever – all the things that Ken uses to smear his word-feces across our screens) and b) even if they do exist, they’re all going to be eternally damned anyway, because Ham’s god is a god of Earth-bound humans only, so there’s apparently no point looking for them.

As he says, And I do believe there can’t be other intelligent beings in outer space because of the meaning of the gospel. You see, the Bible makes it clear that Adam’s sin affected the whole universe. This means that any aliens would also be affected by Adam’s sin, but because they are not Adam’s descendants, they can’t have salvation. One day, the whole universe will be judged by fire, and there will be a new heavens and earth. God’s Son stepped into history to be Jesus Christ, the “Godman,” to be our relative, and to be the perfect sacrifice for sin—the Savior of mankind.

Jesus did not become the “GodKlingon” or the “GodMartian”! Only descendants of Adam can be saved. God’s Son remains the “Godman” as our Savior. In fact, the Bible makes it clear that we see the Father through the Son (and we see the Son through His Word). To suggest that aliens could respond to the gospel is just totally wrong.

Wow… where does one even begin to unpack a clusterfuck of such epic proportions?

Firstly, I think several million Mormons would beg to differ with Ham’s deduction and would all be pointing fingers in the vague direction of Kolob. But that’s just using one piece of crazy theology to poke holes in another piece of crazy theology – which is what it all boils down to in the end: the very weird theology of Ken Ham, Ray Comfort and other such dribbling maniacs.

Firstly, as you might have already gathered, despite what they say about loving Jesus etc, etc, it’s blatantly apparent that the god these guys worship isn’t the kaftan and toga wearing hippie that Paul palmed off on the Romans, but rather the egotistic, megalomaniacal, mass-murdering psychopath of the Old Testament and Revelation. Which – and here I confess to using the argument from incredulity here, but really, what else can one do when confronted with such blathering stupidity – makes Ham’s argument all the more weird.

Why would an almighty, megalomaniacal supernatural being, who demands unwavering loyalty and love (because he loves you, but if you don’t love him back, he’s totally going to torture your forever) and who basks in the adoration of his creation – when he’s not wiping them out, because he’s displeased with them, of course – create life on one tiny little blue dot, tucked away in an unfashionable arm of a spiral galaxy, to worship him. Not just that, but a tiny blue dot that is actually quite fragile when it comes to hosting said life form, and of which slightly less than half its population actually worship said being. Now, if as Ham says the Sun and the Moon only exist for seasons and to “declare the glory of God” (Seriously? A lifeless chunk of concrete-coloured rock declares the glory of your god? If you’d have said the Crab Nebula, or the Pillars of Creation, I’d have been impressed, but the Moon? Seriously?) – and that was all there was – just us, the Moon and the Sun, then it would be believable. However, this being, in its infinite wisdom then goes on to create a vast universe around this little blue dot… filling it with billions of galaxies, trillions of stars and [insert impossibly large number here] planets of various shape, form and density… and does absolutely nothing with them. This being, which demands and craves total devotion from the sentient life it is capable of creating, fills a 14 billion light-years (give or take a bit) of everything with… nothing except our little blue dot.

Which brings me to the second problem with Ham’s theory – the fact that all this was made for us. It’s just Douglas Adams’ puddle analogy applied to the entire universe. All the bright lights in the sky are purely there for our entertainment, and to remind us of how awesome our invisible friend is. Because, for some reason, this supposedly all-powerful being, believes that things like this are a far better way of getting the message across that appearing in the sky on a daily basis yelling “I’M GOD, MOTHERFUCKERS!” Then again, when you’re basing your understanding of the world and everything around it on a book written by Bronze Age goat herders, what would you expect?

It’s funny how often I’ve seen Christians – especially creationists – calling atheists and humanists arrogant and vain for not constantly prostrating ourselves in front of a vengeful invisible friend – who totally loves you, remember, but will kick your ass if you don’t love it back. That’s not the basis for a religion, that’s the plot of Fatal Attraction. And yet they cling to the belief that everything was created just for them – the metaphorical puddle into which they fit so perfectly must have been made just for them. Sadly, it’s this same egotistical, backwards and just plain wrong thinking that also fuels things like climate change denialism. Because if you’re going to be fundamentally about one aspect of the planet you live on, why not all the others too?

However, it’s the third part of Ham’s argument that I find the most… disturbing. Not just disturbing, but it’s also a clear indication of just how vile Ham’s version of Christian theology is. It’s in the little loophole that he leaves himself, by saying that even if aliens exist, they don’t matter, because they’re all doomed, thanks to Adam’s sin.

Wait… what?

Wow, now there’s some self-centered theology for you. As Ham says, “the Bible makes it clear that Adam’s sin affected the whole universe. This means that any aliens would also be affected by Adam’s sin, but because they are not Adam’s descendants, they can’t have salvation.

So, let’s look at this purely from the point of view that there is a creator being, who created Earth, Adam & Eve – and by implication all the other aliens out there. Ham happily ignores the fact that just maybe this creator Being gave similar stories to the other aliens, because for Ham, creation exists for him and him alone. But let’s use Ham’s version and assume he doesn’t – the aliens are living in blissful ignorance of just how Ham’s god is about to fuck with the beings he created.

After all, the Being creates them with a design flaw, exploits that flaw, blames them for having the flaw that he put there in the first place and punishes everybody ever, all because one person screwed up. However, Ham takes it one step further. It’s not just us poor humans that are now damned, all because we pissed of some being that supposedly loves us so much that he’s really going to stick it to us, because one person screwed up. Oh no, now all those aliens out there are also suddenly damned. Despite the fact that they haven’t got a clue what’s going on, have never heard of God, or the Milky Way, let alone Adam. Despite all this, they’re getting kicked in the fiery pit when Armageddon comes, all because some alien on a different planet screwed up.

I suppose it’s the theological equivalent of having your planet destroyed to make way for an Intergalactic Expressway.

But there’s an even darker side to this – even if Adam’s sin spreads across the universe at the speed of light, that means it’s only traveled about 6,000 light years – less than half-way across our own galaxy, let alone getting anywhere near Andromeda. That would imply that there’s potentially an awful lot of alien life out there, that is still pure, and holy and untouched by Adam’s sin, that is going to be eventually wiped out by some Being, who’s pissed at some other life form a trillion light years away.

And this is a being worth worshiping?

Ok, that’s enough of trying to figure out just how the fuck Ham’s mind works. I need to lie down now, before this high-grade stupid makes my brain leak out through my ears.

Posted in Answers In Genesis, Creationism, Ken Ham | Tagged , , , | 6 Comments

America the Bigoted

Ok, now let me start off by saying that I honestly don’t give a damn about the Superbowl. I don’t get the hype, I don’t get the razzmatazz, I don’t get the breathless anticipation over the half-time shoe and most of all, I don’t get American football. I do get that it’s all about money.. big money… big money brought in by advertisers. Which is why the one football game I’ve ever seen took three hours to broadcast a game that lasts an hour – all the ad breaks. Yes, every time they stop play – which seems to be every 10 seconds – there’s an ad break.

 So, when you have the biggest thing on American TV going on, you’d expect the advertisers to get some bang for the many, many bucks they’re spending and put out something catchy or edgy to get people talking.

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Posted in Racism, Random Stuff | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

Welcome to 2014!

I know, Dear Reader, I know. I have sadly let this humble blog gather dust during the last year. The road to hell and good intentions and all that. However, 2014 is the year that I promise to kick, beat and pummel this back into life.

After all, when “they” dish up goodies like this, it would be remiss of me not to point and laugh:

exYeah, we couldn’t make it up.

Posted in Random Stuff | Tagged | 2 Comments

The Ignorant Scum Raise Their Voices Again

Oh dear.

I suppose given the general level of batshit insanity that US politics has descended into, it would take something out of the ordinary for this blog to creak back into life again. Even then, it could be argued that given the monumental ignorance displayed on an almost daily basis by vast swathes of the American population, this isn’t that out of the ordinary. But it made me mad… mad enough to either vent my spleen on my humble blog, or punch a kitten in the face. Fortunately for you, Dear Reader, there were no kittens in my immediate vicinity.

So the new Miss America has been crowned. Now, I must stress upfront that I would rather crush my balls in a garlic press, than watch a beauty pageant. Not because I support some radical feminist point of view, but because the idea of watching vacuous bimbos, wearing smiles so fake they threaten to unhinge the top half of their empty heads, reciting inane answers to equally inane questions and parading around like cattle at an auction, makes me weep for the future of mankind. And yes, I used words like “vacuous” and “empty heads” and I’m sure somebody will say “Oh, but some of them have degrees and the winner wants to be a doctor!” to which I reply, “Fuck you. Fuck you and the sanctimonious sack of bullshit you rode in on.” It’s great that they have degrees and want to make something of themselves, but if they need to prance around, half naked, in order to make their mark on the world, then they are vacuous, empty headed bimbos. Sure, they all want to change the world – if you believe their scripted answers – but who even remembers who won a year or two ago? When did a Miss America, or Miss Universe (seriously, could you get more pretentious?) for that matter, ever do anything to change the world, besides be the pretty face of some or other charity for a few months, before fading into the background, to marry some playboy?

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Posted in Racism, Random Stuff, Right Wing | Tagged , , | 3 Comments

Same Old Story

“I can sell you lies
You can’t get enough
Make a true believer of
Anyone, anyone, anyone (Chvrches, Lies)

So… Ray Comfort has a new documentary out, called “Evolution vs. God.” As Bananaman himself describes it:

What do scientists from top universities say when they are asked to give the most compelling evidence they can for Darwinian Evolution? This special video download contains some of today’s most explicit “proof” that evolutionism is a religious belief—and the evidence comes from interviews of several of Charles Darwin’s leading modern disciples! An amazing look at modern-day atheism.

Needless to say, Comfort’s fellow charlatans in Ken Ham, Kirk Cameron and Ron Fathauer are all creaming their pants over it, as they engage in sycophantic mutual masturbation. Pride of place to go to Fathauer, who claims:

Dawkins will have a cow.

Yeah. From laughing.

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Posted in Creationism, Ray Comfort | Tagged , ,

The End Result of Biblical Literalism

Basing your life around the principles of science as envisioned by a bunch of nomadic goat herders 4,000 years ago, does result in some interesting consequences. Not least of which is a blithering ignorance of just how the world, and everything in, on and around it, works. Of course, such ignorance has never been an impediment to the truly religious, most of whom absolutely revel in – and certainly seem proud of – a level of ignorance that’s probably greater than most junior school children (take the American Family Association’s Bryan Fischer, who happily went on record, claiming that it’s Jesus that holds all the atoms of the universe together).

Protecting such ignorance against the evils of the world, takes a special kind of dedication, especially when you have to protect your loved ones against the evils of evolution, other gods, atheism, vaccinations and space travel.

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Posted in Bible, Religion | Tagged , , | 9 Comments

Who Cares if it’s Parody if it Feeds Our Paranoia?

Ok, confession time. The other day I fell hook, line and sinker for a parody article. However, in my defence, it wasn’t that I believed the content of the article, just that it was entirely plausible that somebody actually meant what was written there.

It was a classic example of Poe’s Law, which states “Without a winking smiley or other blatant display of humor, it is impossible to create a parody of Fundamentalism that SOMEONE won’t mistake for the real thing.” In this case, I was that someone.

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Posted in Teabagger | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments