John Patti – A Special Kind of Stupid


I know “stupid” is virtually synonymous with Conservapedia and even more so where its “administrators” (again with the “”””, seeing as they do no admin) are concerned. However, there is one individual there, who deserves a special mention – Ohio’s favourite Faulknerian man-child, John Patti. I’ve been promising this for a while, but there’s been so much stupidity to wade through, that is was either a case of having a several volume blog post, or trying to put together a “highlights” package… although low-lights is a far more appropriate word.

Here’s an example to start off with: Conservapedia does, of course, have a massive hard-on for all things Obama – and that includes his wife, the delectable Michelle. So it should come as no surprise when somebody adds the totally spurious “She is the first African American First Lady, descended from slaves brought from Africa by early Americans.” Still, have no fear… CP has “admins” and this is probably on of the red flag articles, so one will be along shortly, to remove such rubbish. Well… whoops… CP’s resident historian, RJ Jensen, leaves it in, and then here comes John the Boy Wonder… he’s an “admin”, he’s responsible, he’ll remove it…. oh dear. Instead of removing it, he adds the nonsensical “that were sold by rival tribes” to the sentence, as if that is even vaguely relevant. He also feels the need to tell us she has a staff of 22. (The slavery bit has since been removed by StephenE, who amazingly hasn’t been blocked for “liberal vandalism” or something.)

With apologies to Dr McCoy, “It’s stupidity Jim, but not as we know it.”

Johnny boy (better know as Jpatt on CP and JPratt by everybody with a brain… by the way, any similarity between John’s user page, and Timecube, is probably a clear indication of just how batshit insane this little boy is) is one of those strange enigmas that inhabits Conservapedia. At a glance, you have to write him off as just another parodist (which, if it were true, would put him in the ranks of the infamous Bugler), but when you look a bit deeper, you start to realise that he’s a) very, very serious and b) is seemingly starting to spiral into his own little personal web of insanity… which will sadly put paid to Andy’s claims of “zero mental problems” on CP… oh wait, Ed Poor, Rob Smith and Ken Demyer put paid to those claims ages ago.

I want to give you one shining example of this boy’s skills. He created a debate called “Was Mohammed’s religion the Devil’s work?” (why he didn’t just call it Islam I dunno, maybe he didn’t know what Mohammed’s religion was called, but at least the “debate” soon died the death it deserved), and I’m going to repeat his opening statement verbatim. There is just so much wrong in there that I almost don’t know where to start. It also gives us a very interesting glimpse into just how this little man’s “mind” works. Ready (I’ve left the spelling, grammar, et al as is)?

Was Mohammed’s religion the Devil’s work?

Most likely, Judaism was the first true religion with one almighty God. True not being the Devils Ba’al being worshipped as a false God. Then Christianity arose with one almighty God, three distinct persons, Father Son and Holy Spirit. Not replacing Judaism but adding to it and the completion of the Old Testaments return of the savior. Mohammeds religion, 500 years later, discounts all other religions before it’s existance. A man and prophet, with one true God, except this prophet had fifty wives and by all accounts died a peaceful death. Relatives became revered prophets ultimately splintering it’s origins (Shiites give worship to the brother-in-law of Mohammed wife). Now it can be said that the devil, in his jealousy of God, tries to mimick God to trip up humans. e.g. The lamb is the symbol of God, the goat the symbol of the devil. 3:00PM the hour of mercy, 3:00AM the witching hour. Christianity rightous, Islam false. Possible?

Ye gads. I was right… I don’t know where to start with that, there’s just a mountain of nasty there.

Moving on, quickly, before I start to sweat I.Q. points, there were three things that surprised me when I started pulling up John’s CP history. Firstly, just how long he’s been there – his first recorded edit is from 16 March 2007, second, just what a non-entity he was up until midway through 2008 and thirdly, how his posts have ratcheted up the anti-Obama hatred and paranoia over the past few months. He confined his initial edits mostly to debates and essays, touting the usual Republican “no abortion”, “no gay marriage”, “more guns” (he owns a H&K sub machine gun for some reason… maybe the deer are fighting back) stuff. I wonder if deep down it didn’t gall him that people like Ed and Ken were made sysops within days of joining CP, while he had to slog on. In fact, it wasn’t until July 2008, that he received blocking rights and only became a sysop in January 2009. (Hell, that must’ve hurt – even JessicaT got there in only 6 months… and she was a girl… and foreign. No wonder jealous little Johhny blocked her the first chance he got). He also added a couple of interesting articles on Catholic saints (maybe another attempt to win favour with Andy who is a Papist, even though he thinks the Pope is wrong, because he doesn’t agree with Andy, of course).

However, this little exercise turns sour when one realises just how well, the articles are written , given his usual word-salad style. True enough, 30 seconds on Google and we find the CP article, “St Anthony of Padua” – comes word-for-word from the article here. Typical Conservapedia… why think when you can steal. Andy does it, Terry does it, so John’s in good company. blogsurfer.us

Actually, here’s another example of a) how this man thinks and b) how badly he writes (h/t to Pi for this one). John decided that the late Pat Tillman (the NFL hero who died in Iraq) couldn’t possibly be an atheist, so he set about warping reality in his “essay” entitled “Pat Tillman was not an atheist“. His argument – for want of a better word – boils down to the fact that no atheist would give up his job to go and fight for America. That’s it. Of course, he then goes on to show a complete lack of understanding about what atheism is, by saying “Atheism has but one conviction, the daily fight to remove God from their lives.” Tell me, Johnny, how does one go about removing something that you don’t believe exists in the first place, hmmm? Idiot.

It wasn’t until Andy started on Obama (and we all know Andy’s real reason for that right… jealousy) that Jpatt started to make a serious noise. Finally, he’d found a star to hitch his bandwagon to. You see, John appears to be incapable of original thought. Andy lambastes Obama, John becomes an Obama hater (hell, you only have to see the drivel he spouts on Twitter to realise that); Palin becomes the Great White Hope, John worships the water she walks on and would gladly drink her bathwater if it gets her elected. Actually, I could have made this post much shorter, now that I think about it. I could simply have said, “Worships Sarah Palin.” Everything else would have been self-explanatory.

Back on topic. Terry Koeckritz treats editors like shit, Jpatt thinks this is the way to go and becomes just another strutting little goon (I’m convinced he’s short, because he displays all the symptoms of Short Man Syndrome), TK uses checkuser to maliciously block editors from CP and suddenly Johhny can also tell people’s IP addresses (despite not having checkuser himself). Here’s a couple of examples:

  • This was probably his strangest block – fuelled either by an egotistical rush of blood, or the parodist mask slipping. Needless to say, when he blocks Rob “Reds Under the Bed” Smith, for “Inserting liberal multiculturalism / world view into articles” you know something strange is happening in his head. It’s not like he didn’t know who Rob was either. He did later reverse the block, together with a smarmy “Sorry Bobby” comment.

  • 15:53, 20 August 2009 Jpatt (Talk | contribs) blocked LOLLOLLOL (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 years (account creation disabled, e-mail blocked) ‎ (Member of a website supporting vandalism: pys gremlin) (it’s not the first time he’s used my name in vain, which just shows what an idiot he is… he can’t even spell it properly)

  • 23:36, 10 August 2009 Jpatt (Talk | contribs) blocked LowKey (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (account creation disabled, e-mail blocked) ‎ (Inserting nonsense or gibberish into pages or edit comments: Join your vandal buddies in Au. Can’t please everyone especially foreigners.) (This was an interesting block. Lowkey was a long-time CP editor, who called TK on his ongoing deceit, including the claim that A Storehouse of Knowledge was passing IP addresses to CP. Jpatt clearly feels the need to cover up for TK… as well as perpetuate Terry’s ‘liberal multi-culturism’ bullshit.)

  • 14:22, 22 July 2009 Jpatt (Talk | contribs) blocked TobioS (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 hours (account creation disabled, e-mail blocked) ‎ (IP of blocked vandal / troll / troublemaker: Confirming missing login record) (Now this is a blatant lie – he doesn’t have checkuser, so there is no way that he could check the IP address. At this point, he’s simply trolling and being deceitful… but then, we expect that from the people who ruin… er… run Conservapedia.)

Then again, maybe he’s inherited some X-Ray vision from the second hand units he sells. There are some other, more disturbing comments he makes when blocking editors, such as:

  • 22:58, 12 July 2009 Jpatt (Talk | contribs) blocked MistaBill (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 years (account creation disabled) ‎ (Liberal vandalism: St. Michael Archangel, defend us in battle!)

  • 15:13, 10 July 2009 Jpatt (Talk | contribs) blocked SufferMeJpatt (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 years (account creation disabled, e-mail blocked) ‎ (Member of a website supporting vandalism: Blessed [are] they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.) (Yes, he’s quoting the Sermon on the Mount as he blocks people, folks. Is this an even vaguely normal person?)

  • 4:30, 10 July 2009 Jpatt (Talk | contribs) blocked BukkakeMaster (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 years (account creation disabled, e-mail blocked) ‎ (Member of a website supporting vandalism: sock of RW troll Trent Toulouser) (This is another example of monkey see, Jpatt do, as immediately after TK makes up a libellous block reason, Johnny jumps aboard, making the same (unfounded and libellous) claim.)

  • 14:39, 7 July 2009 Jpatt (Talk | contribs) blocked GeneR (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 years (account creation disabled, e-mail blocked) ‎ (Moronic vandalism: But beware of men: for they will deliver you up to the councils, and they will scourge you in their synagogues) (Possibly even creepier than the Sermon blocks are those he dished out whilst quote Bible verses. Not even Andy is that insane. It’s things like this that make me think John Patti shouldn’t be allowed near children, pets, sharp objects… or even oxygen for that matter.)

He’s also given up even thinking about why he’s blocking people, virtually every one is for “Member of a website supporting vandalism”, which just goes to show how well TK has brainwashed him… well, assuming there is a brain to wash of course. Ironically, given his own unthinking attitude towards chasing editors away from CP, he’s actually lucky to be there – he received a 2 week block, for calling an “admin” a “loser for life”… these days, he’d probably want you put up against a wall for saying something similar.

But more on his inability to think for himself. Rob Smith returns to CP, still seeing Commies everywhere, and even calling “Not In Our Name” a Maoist organisation. Then again, I don’t think Rob has ever been big on credibility or self esteem. Next thing, little Johnny (who by the way, has protected his Twitter feed and blocks people he doesn’t think should be reading his stuff – like a good Conservapedian, of course – what is it with these craven cowards who only preach to the converted? Is his ego really that fragile that it couldn’t handle a bit of criticism?). Still, it seems that Twitter, which is a FREE service Johnny, has limited the number of people he can follow and shout-out to. What’s his childish (and badly written) response to all this:

“Currently up to 300 people I can’t follow because of lame Twitter imposed limitations. Tear down this commie wall.” I’m sure the guys at Twitter, who allow him to spout his gibberish for free, would be thrilled to know they’re considered commies, for trying to keep their costs down.

On the subject of badly written, his abuse of the English language has to be seen to be believed. His writing skills are probably on a par with a fifth or sixth grader, which is scary, when you consider that they’re from a 30-something man… well, man-child. They constitute a post on their own, and there’s only so much stupid I can handle in one day.

The more you look at him, the more you think he has to be a parodist, who is seriously yanking Andy’s chain – and no doubt helping Terry pass on secrets from the Zeugloden Blues (that’s the “admins'” super secret discussion forums – thanks to Terry for letting that one slip), and yet sadly the evidence proves that he’s a) for real and b) very, very stupid.

Proof once again, that we just couldn’t make this up.

About PsyGremlin

PsyGremlin is a former Conservapedia sysop (although the position was earned nefariously), stand up comedian, DJ, and is currently a self-employed financial adviser, who impersonates a responsible adult at least 5 days a week. However, highlighting and poking fun at the crazies out there remains his first love. Well besides pork crackling. And custard. And cricket.
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4 Responses to John Patti – A Special Kind of Stupid

  1. Pi says:

    You forgot my own personal favorite JPatt stupid moment Pat Tillman was not an atheist. Where he declared that Pat Tillman – NFL defensive end, Army Ranger, and out spoken Atheist – could not be an atheist because giving up a “lucrative” (he was actually underpaid, but chose to stay at the Cardinals to help them even if they couldn’t pay him the money he deserved) NFL contract to join the army and die for his country was not what atheists would do. Nice strawman argument.

  2. cpmonitor says:

    Oh hell yes. Thanks for reminding me about that – let me go and dig it up and add it to the insanity.

  3. Jenny says:

    Let me tell you- i know John and he is a big weirdo!

    • cpmonitor says:

      I’d say “tell me more!” but that would be wrong. However, seeing as how he fits right in with the crowd at CP – and there’s some weirdos there! – I can well imagine.
      Thanks for the confirmation!

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