Head-Desk Time


Anybody who has spent any time at all browsing Conservapedia’s “articles” will be familiar with the concept of “Head-Desk”, as well as its close cousin, “Face-Palm”. Simply put, it’s a survival mechanism that kicks into action when the human brain is faced with an overwhelming amount of stupidity and in an attempt to prevent your IQ leaking out your ears, forces you to hit your forehead repeatedly against your desk. This has the advantage of breaking eye contact with whatever it was you were reading, as well as making your eyes water, thus preventing you from reading it again for some minutes. (Of course, one could ask why you would want to read it again, but it is cheaper than getting whipped by a leather-clad Valkyrie… although nowhere near as enjoyable.)

However, there are also numerous “articles” lurking there that are enough to reduce grown homo sapiens to tears. Most of these involve scientific or technical entries (you are advised to put a pillow on your keyboard before perusing “Professor” Ed Poor’s “contributions” to mathematics), which is understandable, given the general hatred for and ignorance of all things scientific by Andy (himself a B.Sc graduate) and his minions. One such article, is their entry on Time… which reduced me to such a teary state that I missed the Head-Desk completely and incurred a rare – and potentially crippling – Head-Knee.

Now I know time is one of those wibbly concepts and people get glassy-eyed and talk about 4th dimensions (wasn’t that a funk band?) and becoming your own grandfather, etc. etc. Even my knowledge of it is limited to the fact that there isn’t enough of it and what there is of it is often Bad, as in, “That was a Bad Time to call me Julie, when you know my name’s Debbie.” So it came as a bit of a shock to find that the entry in the “Trustworthy Encyclopaedia” contained even less useful information. It did, however, come as no surprise to learn that most of the eye-watering material was added by B.Sc graduate Andrew Schlafly. (His alma mater must be so proud).

Even so, I think my knowledge far surpasses that of the person who wrote their entry. It comes as no surprise to learn that most of it comes from the “mind” of B.Sc graduate Andrew Schlafly. I decided that my first port of call would be Wikipedia’s article on Time. I must admit, it’s impressive… maybe a little too impressive. They cover everything, from the units of measurement, through to it’s uses in Religion, Philosophy, Definitions as per Physics, Perceptions of Time… the whole gamut. By the end of this, you should have a fairly good idea what “time” is. BlogSurfer.us

Now over to Conservapedia. Oh dear. This is the opening paragraph:

Time is an abstract concept of measuring the sequence of events within the universe. Christianity introduced the concept of eternity, whereby time has no meaning and either stops or does not exist. Evil tends to focus on brief periods of time, as in 9/11, while good tends to last longer, as in the Resurrection. Sin is often based on the past, as in pride and jealousy, while good is often based on the future, as in faith and love.

Ok, the first question I have to ask – if “Evil tends to focus on brief periods of time, while good tends to last longer”, does that mean that in Andy’s mind, the 100 Years’ War was fucking fantastic? And which part of the Resurrection are you referring to? The three days before, the 40 days after, or the moment when Jeshua ben Josephus opened his eyes and said, “I’m ba-a-ack?”

At no point in the article is there any indication of how time is measured, nor how it is calculated. There’s just a couple of meandering comments, loosely related to Andy’s pet subjects. “Time provides a basis for people to frame their outlook on their own lives, dividing it, for example, into the past, present and future” – what about hours and minutes, Andy? Oh wait – according to him man is time-obsessed, so obviously it’s bad to waste time writing about time.

We’re also told there’s 599 references to time in the Bible, but nothing more apart from some vague references to parables. He also manages to throw in a reference to economics and have a dig at the Theory of Relativity (another of Andy’s many pet hates). Also, in typical Andy style, he makes a sweeping statement – “Christianity introduced the concept of eternity, whereby time has no meaning and either stops or does not exist” with absolutely no references, and no  proof other than his usual “I said it, so it’s right.”

I’m sure I could say more, but my leather-clad Valkyrie has just arrived…

About PsyGremlin

PsyGremlin is a former Conservapedia sysop (although the position was earned nefariously), stand up comedian, DJ, and is currently a self-employed financial adviser, who impersonates a responsible adult at least 5 days a week. However, highlighting and poking fun at the crazies out there remains his first love. Well besides pork crackling. And custard. And cricket.
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2 Responses to Head-Desk Time

  1. jkhghftyffyt says:

    “Time is a valuable resource, and each person has the responsibility not to squander the gift of time by engaging in unproductive activities such as watching television, senseless bickering or ***frequenting worthless websites on the internet***, and instead to use their time industriously for the betterment of society and the greater glory of God. Conservative values can be a helpful aid to achieving this objective.”

    How can being Conservative help avoid ‘worthless websites on the internet’ when Conservapedia is known as one of the most worthless wastes of bandwidth currently in existence?

    • cpmonitor says:

      All of that is basically Andy-speak for ‘don’t visit Wikipedia’ and don’t try and argue your point (especially if it’s correct) on Conservapedia.

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