Conservative Bible Project – Andrew Schlafly Stands Alone


So the collective internet has finally woken up to Andrew Schlafly’s Conservative Bible Project. I’m not usually one to blow my own trumpet, but just remember, you read it here first. (Well, actually you would have read it on Rationalwiki first, but you know what I mean).

Needless to say, Andy has been basking in the sound of the entire internet laughing at him. Now I know it’s easy to point fingers and say that it’s the liberal media doing it – especially since the Colbert Report featured his lunacy, which resulted in his minions descending upon CP like the wolf on the fold. I see new account creation is still turned off. Yup, the site is growing rapidly.

Undaunted by all of this, Andy has been spouting his moronic ideas all over the airwaves, including Dave Ross and Liberaland. They’re worth listening too, because when Andy is unable to hide behind the banhammer he and his fellow goons wield so effectively on CP, he really does come across as a clueless idiot throwing out the same old stock phrases and unable to defend himself. Best reply of all, when asked “What if Jesus was liberal?” he hums and haws before saying, “I’m prepared to have an open mind about that.” Yeah, right. Sure you are, Andy. I love how the commentators refer to him not as “Conservapedia’s Founder” or “Harvard Law Graduate” or even “The Man Who Lost to Barack Obama for HLR President And Is Still Sore About It.” No they refer to him instead as “Phyllis Schlafly’s straight son.” Love it!

But why am I saying “Andrew Schlafly Stands Alone”? Well first of all – as with so many of Andy’s other insane projects, not a single one of his handpicked henchmen hav actually helped out on the project. Oh sure, Brian McDonald, John Patti and Terry Koeckritz might have reverted comments they didn’t like, but as for adding actual content? Nope, that  job is left to Andy and his parodists peons. So, now not only is Andy being attacked by the dreaded Liberal main-stream media and the internet, but he’s also been left out to hang by his chosen sysops. Then again, they do often invoke Andy’s name – as in “this is Andrew Schlafly, the Founder’s blog wiki, how dare you criticise what he does” – so I guess all they’re doing now is whistling into the same wind that Andy has been hung out to dry in.

Needless to say, it’s fairly obvious the left and the media in general are going to have fun with this. So it’s hardly worth canvassing their opinion. Just lean very close to your modem, cup your hands round your ears and listen. That sound you hear is the internet laughing at Schlafly. The place to look is at Andy’s target market – let’s go out there and see what the religious people are saying about this.

First stop: Padre Steve’s world. He describes himself as “a Navy Chaplain and Priest in a Episcopal Catholic “convergence Church.”  I’ve been in the military 28 years and have been a Priest for 13 years.” (He  does, however, lose points in Schalfly’s eyes by referring to himself as a “moderate” – in Andy’s world there is no such thing). How does he see the CBP? “I ran across this initially on Blogger Polycarp’s site and initially thought that it had to be some kind of joke as it sounds like something that one might read in “The Onion.”  Unfortunately it is part of the conservapedia.com movement which was founded by Andrew Schlafly, the son of Phyllis “I won’t censure my associates who suggest a violent revolution” Schlafly. Ha! Yet again, Andy’s claim to fame is reduced to the fact that he’s the fruit of Phyllis “marital-rape-is-cool” Schlafly’s loins. A priest comparing Andy’s project to The Onion? Nice!

Next Stop: Catholic and Enjoying It. How does a practising Catholic, which Schlafly purports to be, although it has been debated elsewhere that thanks to this project he’s now apostate. So what do they say? “Right wing dementia marches on apace. Some of this has a grain of sense to it, as ideological madness always does.”

Let’s march on to The Real Liberal Christian Church, who sound like a really nice bunch of guys. How do they see Andy’s pet project? “What they aim to do is turn Jesus into a sexist, which he was not, a capitalist, which he was not, and a blood spiller, which he was not. They are trying to justify themselves via misreading the scriptures. Their problem is that they don’t know how to interpret the parables. They don’t understand who is and who is not a son of man. They often falsely think that kings and judges and sons of man in the parables are referring to Jesus describing his Second Coming as literally as the most-fundamentalist fundamentalist takes the word “literal.” Actually, this is a very nice refutation from people who take their Bible seriously.

Now, let’s move on to a heavyweight. Dr Claude Mariottini,  a professor of Old Testament at Northern Baptist Seminary since 1988. “If conservative Christians make an effort to rewrite the Bible in order to present a conservative translation as an effort to eliminate liberal interpretation of Biblical texts, then such a translation will violate every hermeneutical principle used by Bible translators in their effort to give the reading public a translation that is faithful to the original intent of the Biblical writer.” Ouch!

One more for good luck. Here’s Dr. James F. McGrath, associate professor of religion at Butler University. “So is the “Conservapedia Version” of the Bible a really funny parody or a really deceitful pseudoconservative pseudotranslation that leaves its users with a pseudobible? I’ll let the reader decide. I’m still not entirely sure, although if you read it as parody, it is actually quite hilarious, and laughter is probably a more constructive reaction than frustration and despair. But either way, I’m grateful for this illustration of the fact that “conservative” and “Bible-believing” are not the same thing, despite what you’ll often hear.”

Dr. Deirdre Good, professor at of New Testament at the General Theological Seminary, describes it as ‘tendentious” and calls out Andy on his obviously failings as a translator. “Finally, the proposed translation of Mark 1:34b: ‘he commanded the devils to be silent, because they knew Jesus as God’ introduces a description of Jesus that simply isn’t in the text.”

Finally, we’ll turn to a forum called Rapture Ready, who describe themselves as “Providing a forum for Christians to gather under one fellowship; Strengthening believers in evangelism, discipleship, and edification for personal growth and (most importantly where CP is concerned) Providing websites & discussions exposing deceptive cults, apostasy, heresy, false doctrine, and false teachings.” Wonderfully, they’ve added the CBP under their Apostasy section. I’ll simply quote a few comments from these devout Christians. Suffice to say, there are no positive comments.

  • This is stupid. The Bible stands on its own and the KJV is really all we need. Some translations that use modern language are o.k., but when we begin to tinker with the concepts and try to make certain passages “politically correct”, then man spins over to the side of deception and stupidity.
  • Goes to show, there are nuts in both camps. Can you just picture what is going on in Heaven when this stuff happens?
  • When you mess with God’s Word, you mess with God. These lost fools have no idea what they are getting into. Their punishment will be severe, because the Lord takes His Word seriously.
  • This makes me want to shy away from the term “conservative christian” in favor of simply “christian.” I mean really… what is the point in translating the bible to make it less liberal and more conservative. Conservatives would be going ape crazy if it were the other way around. There are plenty enough translations of the bible as it is to pick and choose which one we think is right for us without bringing politics into it.
  • I read about this in the news, and I could hardly believe it. These folks have no idea what they’re dealing with.
  • I am not comfortable with this new agenda, not just because it is an apostasy, but because what does this mean when we try to find good bibles, accurate bibles. What happens now, when we try to preach God’s truth? Now, we have to fight those conservatives in our own camps too? A kingdom divided against itself can’t stand.

It’s also worth mentioning the liberal *ahem* number of facepalm icons that appear.

Perhaps the last word should go to Yahoo Answers. Somebody has obviously come across the CBP and gone off in search of help. “Is the conservative bible project a satirical hoax or is it for real?” the poor soul asks. Sadly, seeing as Andrew Schlafly is involved, I can’t answer that for definite.

About PsyGremlin

PsyGremlin is a former Conservapedia sysop (although the position was earned nefariously), stand up comedian, DJ, and is currently a self-employed financial adviser, who impersonates a responsible adult at least 5 days a week. However, highlighting and poking fun at the crazies out there remains his first love. Well besides pork crackling. And custard. And cricket.
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One Response to Conservative Bible Project – Andrew Schlafly Stands Alone

  1. Pi says:

    Great work. It is nice to see such a cross section of opinions giving the same opinion on Andy’s little project. He really has no idea how stupid what he is doing is. Is blinded to the fact not a single person on Earth takes this idea seriously. Only Jinx the kiss arse has come out in support of this and it makes him look like a toady. Keep up the good work, I look forward to more.

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