The Teetotal Bible

Wow… this one of the stranger things to have come out of the whole Conservative Bible debacle, and I have to thank Joe Farah for pointing it out to me. Now, apparently Andy is teetotal, which I have nothing against and in fact I’m kinda grateful for. If he was on the piss, I’d hate to think what kind of insanity he would come up with.

Anyway, it seems that because Andy doesn’t drink, Jesus didn’t drink either… so all the references to wine that anybody who’s read the Bible should know have been replaced with… grape juice.I kid you not. So let’s see how this translation plays out when we swap “wine'”with “grape juice”.

During the Wedding at Cana, Jesus turned water into grape juice… not just that, but a better grape juice than what had originally been served. Maybe he dished up Grapetiser instead of LiquiFruit, who knows. The very fact that the whole issue about serving the best quality stuff first implies it had to be wine served there. What makes the whole thing even more ludicrous is the fact that Conservapedia’s own article on wine, contains the sentence, “Christ’s first miracle, performed at the wedding feast at Cana, was to turn six amphora filled with water into wine.” Once again, CP’s right hand knows exactly what its left hand is doing. Actually, reading their “translation” of John 2:9, I see they’ve left it as wine… for now. Maybe turning water into grape juice isn’t that a miracle, after all.

Matt 9:17 gives us an interesting twist on the old proverb, “Don’t but new wine into old bottles.” Now it’s “Neither do men put freshly squeezed grape juice into old skins.” Doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, does it? Not to mention the fact that they’ve missed the point that the old bottles would break because of expanding gasses as the wine fermented. Then again, we wouldn’t expect these “experts”, to be too knowledgeable now. Just for consistency’s sake, in Mark 2:22, they decide to leave it as bottles and not skins for some reason.

Mark 12:2 gets a bit weird too. In the parable about the tenants who beat up the landowner’s servant, it talks about “grape season” instead of something sensible like harvest time. And in Mark 15:23, prior to getting nailed to the cross Jesus is apparently offered “grape juice mixed with myrrh”. Even though the original says “wine”, you’ll probably find it was closer to vinegar than grape juice.

Revelation, which is always fun to read (those desert mushrooms must have been strong around Antioch!) , doesn’t escape either. One of the stranger passages (Rev 6:6) reads, “And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts say, A measure of wheat for a penny, and three measures of barley for a penny; and see thou hurt not the oil and the wine.” Yes, you guessed it – wine becomes grape juice. Loses its impact just a tad, doesn’t it?

What about the Last Supper? Jesus holds up a glass of grape juice and says, “This is my blood, drink this in remembrance of me.” What? With grape juice? Hell, maybe he really was a meek little vegan hippie after all.

This is just the New Testament. I can’t wait to see how the Old Testament pans out. Noah gets drunk on grape juice should be an interesting one. And as for Lot’s daughters getting dad drunk on grape juice so they could get down to some incestuous rumpy pumpy… well, the fact that Lot wasn’t blotto on grape juice gives that sordid little story an even sicker twist.

It just goes to show – some things are best left well alone… especially by morons.

About PsyGremlin

PsyGremlin is a former Conservapedia sysop (although the position was earned nefariously), stand up comedian, DJ, and is currently a self-employed financial adviser, who impersonates a responsible adult at least 5 days a week. However, highlighting and poking fun at the crazies out there remains his first love. Well besides pork crackling. And custard. And cricket.
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2 Responses to The Teetotal Bible

  1. Rand says:

    As i recall, the last paragraph in Revelations specifically prohibits anyone from changing even a single word of the text, on penalty of Gods wrath. They must have missed this, or perhaps they just changed it, either way, let the wrath begin.

  2. cpmonitor says:

    I think you’re right – I’m pretty sure John was quite emphatic about the smiting bit, if you fiddled with *ahem* God’s word.
    Ah, here it is, right at the end:
    “I warn every one who hears the words of the prophecy of this book: if any one adds to them, God will add to him the plagues described in this book, and if any one takes away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God will take away his share in the tree of life and in the holy city, which are described in this book.”
    So it looks like Andy and Terry are in for the high jump… unless, of course, *gasp* there is no God.

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