Liberals versus Conservatives


In response to the drivel I spoke about in “Conservatives versus Reality” below, I see the Drudge Retort (a witty alternative to the Drudge Report… why do conservatives suck at page layout?) have come up with a list of their own, that makes far more sense.

  • If a liberal doesn’t believe that abortion is morally acceptable, she doesn’t have one.
    If a conservative doesn’t believe that abortion is morally acceptable, he or she wants to prevent anyone from having one.

  • When a liberal asks where he gets his news, he’ll give legitimate sources such as the N.Y. Times or Washington Post.
    When a conservative asks where he gets his news, he won’t usually answer because it’s not from legitimate news sources.
  • A liberal sees wrong and tries to right it.
    A conservative sees wrong and if it involves another conservative, he claims it’s biased.
  • A liberal believes most foreign policy issues are best dealt with by taking diplomatic measures.
    A conservative believes we should bomb first and ask questions later.
  • A liberal doesn’t mind his hard earned money going to legitimate government programs.
    A conservative hates all things government, but doesn’t mind his hard earned money going towards multi-million dollar bonuses for CEOs.
  • When a liberal thinks about education, he thinks about college.
    When a conservative thinks about education, he thinks about grade school and high school.
  • A liberal knows that a fact is information that is verifiable.
    A conservative thinks a fact is something you can link to. It might be just somebody’s opinion, but if you can link to it, he believes it’s acceptable to use it as a “fact.”
  • A liberal debates with facts.
    A conservative debates by insulting the other person.
  • A liberal evaluates information and forms an opinion.
    A conservative gets his opinions from right-wing pundits.
  • A liberal debates by citing events that have occurred.
    A conservative debates by predicting events he believes will occur.
  • A liberal debates using facts.
    A conservative debates the facts.
  • If a conservative doesn’t like guns, he’s not a real conservative and is branded a wuss.
    If a liberal doesn’t like guns, he might want to ban guns, but most only want to ban assault weapons.
  • If a conservative is a vegetarian… What are you, kidding me? A conservative vegetarian? Ha!
    If a liberal is a vegetarian, who cares.
  • If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how his political party can capitalize on it.
    A liberal wonders how to solve the problem without getting anybody killed.
  • If a conservative is homosexual, he hates himself but likes underage boys.
    If a liberal is homosexual, he wants the same rights as everyone else.
  • If a conservative is down-and-out, he blames liberals and minorities for his problems.
    A liberal goes to college and develops skills that will make him prosperous.
  • If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he rants, raves, and complains until he’s blue in the face about what he believes to be anti-American socialist/fascist ideas, or whatever else the right-wing pundits told him to believe.
    Liberals are too busy with their careers to pay much attention to talk-shows.
  • If a conservative is a non-believer… What are you, kidding me? A non-religious conservative? Ha!
    A liberal non-believer doesn’t want his child indoctrinated by religious nut-jobs.
  • If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes on Medicare and demands the government keep its hands off it.
    A liberal wants affordable health care for all, insurance company CEOs be damned!

About PsyGremlin

PsyGremlin is a former Conservapedia sysop (although the position was earned nefariously), stand up comedian, DJ, and is currently a self-employed financial adviser, who impersonates a responsible adult at least 5 days a week. However, highlighting and poking fun at the crazies out there remains his first love. Well besides pork crackling. And custard. And cricket.
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2 Responses to Liberals versus Conservatives

  1. Rob Hoffmann says:

    FYI, the blog that posted this is the Drudge *Retort* – a progressive blog set up to counter the far-right wackiness of the Drudge Report.

    However…

    The fact that this appeared on the Retort could mean that the text you found on Conservapedia might have been… um… “borrowed” from Drudge.

    • cpmonitor says:

      Ah whoops. my bad – I didn’t read properly. I’ve corrected it accordingly. Thanks for the heads up.
      I’ve been trying to track down the original “Conservatives vs Liberals” post, but there’s so many copies floating around. You’re right though, CP “borrowed” theirs with no attribution.

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