It’s not the way that you caress and toy with my election…


(with apologies to Erasure)

Let me start off by saying that I really admire Andrew Schlafly. It takes a very special man to consistently ignore reality, facts, common sense and informed opinion in order to hang on to whatever idea has popped into what passes for his mind.  It takes an even more special man, to – when confronted with irrefutable evidence that he was wrong all along – alter his own reality, in order to keep up the pretence that he was right all along.

Actually, now that I think about it, “special” isn’t the right word. “Fucking insane lying deceitful full of shit lunatic” probably expresses it better. And you can’t help but admire his continuous ability to act like a fucking insane lying deceitful full of shit lunatic, and still get to eat his dinner with something other than a plastic spoon.

Take the recent UK elections, for example. I think I should stress the “UK” part here, because as you’ll see Andy seems to think that the election only took place in England, or Britain. Either that, or the founder of the “Trustworthy Encyclopaedia” is unaware of the composition of the United Kingdom. Then again, looking at the horror show which was his world history lecture, we’re not really surprised.

Still, it’s been a lean year for Andy – Democrats in the White House and Senate, so any good news relating to conservatives anywhere, is worth latching on to and milking for all it’s worth. Gordon Brown duly obliged by calling an election. Now only if you’d been in a coma for the last 18 or so months, would you not know that Labour were going to get a hiding. Especially after George W’s lapdog, Tony Blair, dragged the UK into 2 unpopular wars and the recent expenses scandal (which affected all parties – my favourite was Conservative MP Sir John Butterfill, who used his expenses to build servant’s quarters). However, more and more informed pundits were predicting a hung parliament.

But not Andy. Oh no – he saw the word Conservative and predicted that they would win by a landslide. Ironically, if the Tories were an American party, Andy would have nothing to do with them. At best, they could be compared to “Republicans In Name Only,” the epitaph applied to all conservative politicians who don’t meet Andy’s criteria of what makes a conservative conservative. Even if the Tories did gain power, they weren’t about to scrap the dole, ditto National Health, gun control and abortion legislation would remain in place. In fact, the Tories would pretty much do completely the opposite to what Andy believes in. Most of their time is going to be spent trying to cut costs, in order to fix the financial shit storm which broke during Republican President George W Bush’s term of office. Twelve years is a long time for any party to be in power, no matter who it is, and surely Andy must remember how the Tories, after 17 years of Thatcher and Major were swept from power. Now there was a landslide.

In typical Andy style, he started off by screwing things up, posting an entry in the front page “news” that ‘the Conservative Party is going to defeat the Liberal Party in the coming English elections.’ Now, fair enough, by Andy’s standards, Labour – even New Labour – is pretty liberal, as are the Conservatives. (In fact, the only British political party that Andy has expressed approval of, is the British National Party… and it took a long time to convince him that it was actually a neo-Nazi bunch of thugs, before he backed down.) However, back to Andy’s post. What made it funny, was that he wiki-linked ‘Liberal Party’ to the article of that name, and not the Labour Party. Given that the Liberals last saw Downing Street back when David Lloyd George was PM, it’s a rather amusing slip on Andy’s part – giving the impression that he doesn’t have a clue what he’s talking about. No surprises there, of course.

Undaunted, Andy ploughs on (and why shouldn’t he, it is his little toy box after all), claiming that “Liberal denial is working hard to obscure how the British Conservative Party is going to win big in Thursday’s election. Headlines claim no one will win (false), or that the Liberal Democrats might win (absurd), or that the Conservatives will win, but not obtain a majority (they don’t say that whenever liberals win.)” he then closes off by editorialising, “Give it up liberals: the conservatives are going to win big in the land of atheism!!!” As Terry Pratchett says, “Multiple exclamation marks; a sure sign of insanity.”

Just on the “land of atheism” thing, which deserves its own analysis – where Andy has suddenly sucked this factoid from, goodness knows. However, suddenly, in his mind, the home of the Church of England; Archbishop of Canterbury; St Paul’s Cathedral; Wales, where screaming children are dragged to Bethel twice on Sundays; and “Abide with Me” sung lustily before the FA Cup final, is suddenly the “land of atheism.” I can only guess that he’s setting it up as a crutch to lean on when the Tories don’t win a majority, or worse, don’t win. Then he can say “The atheists voted for the atheist party,” or something equally stupid.

Now we all know that Andy passes himself off as an expert in whatever field is currently under debate – from microbiology, to translating ancient Greek. So it’s no wonder that he pours scorn on   the observations of journalists whose job it is to monitor the UK parties for years, not just a few days before the vote. Admittedly, whoever said the Lib Dems would win, must be feeling a bit silly git right now.

He then goes on to say that the Conservatives are extending their lead in the polls (but not that the polls are also indicating a hung parliament) and manages to mention that “Liberals have driven the UK to the brink of bankruptcy, as they have in the US.” Now, last time I looked, all the financial woes, bailouts and spending costs are as a direct result of dodgy and downright criminal schemes that were allowed to carry on under the eyes of George W Bush. If you’re trying to pin the blame on the left Andy, then you’re just about the only one.

Up next he crows, “Socialism is finished – even in atheistic Britain. Britons are ready to toss out Gordon Brown.” Now, let’s be fair. Labour hasn’t been socialist since Harold Wilson, and it certainly died with the end of Neil Kinnock. In fact, New Labour under Tony Blair adopted so many Thatcherite policies it was scary. And let’s face it – most Britons were ready to toss out Gordon Brown, for being Gordon Brown, not necessarily Labour. But, like I said, Andy doesn’t allow little things like facts to get in the way of his delusions.

Thereafter, once again ignoring people who know what they’re talking about, he accuses the media of a “liberal double standard”, saying the papers are in “liberal denial” by saying the election will be a tie, and not a “stunning victory” for the Conservatives. Clearly getting excited by all this, he goes on to say, “Within 24 hours Britain will throw off the yoke of socialism,” as if they were some poor Soviet Bloc country about to discover the joys of democracy.

Now those were just the main page “news” snippets. If we nip behind the scenes to the talk page, we see the true crazy – even if we ignore the interjections by Terry Koeckritz, who always appears to be on the lookout for an excuse to block an editor and thus get his sexual jollies for the day.

Now remember, Andy has been accusing the “liberal media” of denying that the Tories will win. An editor helpfully lists 10 UK papers and their predictions – 5 say Conservative. But Andy still goes on to say, “the incessant efforts to downplay this historic moment by the liberal press remains astonishing.” Other comments worth noting:

  • The Conservatives are going to beat the Labour party in a landslide, in one of the most stunning repudiations of an incumbent in a generation. (But still nothing like the one Labour handed the Conservatives 12 years ago)
  • Every story I’ve seen downplays the coming conservative rout of the liberals in Britain. (Because, Andy, that rout only exists in your mind. The people that actually know what’s going on, say otherwise)

Of course, hindsight is 20/20, but I feel a certain degree of happiness that it was indeed a hung parliament. I’m also happy that the Greens finally picked up a seat, and a little sad that the Lib Dems did so poorly.

I‘m sure Andy is pretty happy that David Cameron is in 10 Downing Street, but I wonder how he feels knowing that they’re only there thanks to the support of the Liberal Democrats. Personally, I give the arrangement a year. I would given anything to see Andy’s face when he’s told that not only do the Liberal Democrats hold the balance of power and have slipped into bed with the Tories, but that the Lib Dems themselves arose from a merger between the Liberal Party and the Social Democratic party. Seems you just can’t get rid of those nasty socialists. And it looks like the Conservatives, not having learnt their lesson from Christine Keeler, will jump into bed with anybody.

Now I look forward to watching Andy change the meaning of the words “landslide,” “rout” and “win big” – no doubt defending his statements through the clever use of getting Terry Koeckritz and resident parodist JabobB to block any editor who dares to question what happened to Andy’s prediction.

About PsyGremlin

PsyGremlin is a former Conservapedia sysop (although the position was earned nefariously), stand up comedian, DJ, and is currently a self-employed financial adviser, who impersonates a responsible adult at least 5 days a week. However, highlighting and poking fun at the crazies out there remains his first love. Well besides pork crackling. And custard. And cricket.
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One Response to It’s not the way that you caress and toy with my election…

  1. Pi says:

    Andy’s problem is that he live entirely in dichotomies. Liberal or Conservative. Win or Lose. There is no in betweens. Even after it was explained to him that there is more than two parties running and smaller parties will win seats, he will have set that aside and gone back to Liberals and Conservatives as no other possibilities exist in his mind. That is why a hung parliament confused him. You have two side, one wins the other loses. It would never be in his realm of possibility that both sides could not win. To him it was a landslide because a) he wanted it to be and b) there is no other result.

    I agree that there will be another election in the next 18 months, there is just not enough in common between the two parties to sustain a coalition for that long and every time Cameron leaves the country and Clegg is in charge fighting will break out in the cabinet.

    To be fair to Andy though the BNP ticked his number one box, homeschooling. Their tax cuts for parents that home-school would have been all he needed to see to win him over.

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