Back to the nuttiness


Right, let’s leave the bile of RationalWiki behind for now and wade back into the warmer waters of general nuttiness. I’d like to present today a gentleman by the name of Alexander Cornswalled, who describes himself as a “Midwestern Conservative Christian,” but whom I’d like to dub a “seriously wing-nut crazy man.” However, believe it or not, there are some points that we agree on – that Ed “Don’t Be A Dick” Poor is an unmitigated idiot and that a Moonie has no place being in a senior position on a site purporting to be Christian in nature.

There’s actually so much crazy going on that it’s probably going to take a few posts to cover his stuff, but I thought I’d start off with something cute and fluffy. Because what could be more cute and fluffy than anime characters, right? Well, not if you’re Alexander Cornswalled…

Now there’s another link Alex and I share – we both edited Conservapedia at the same time – as AlexC and JessicaT respectively – and even worked on the same article – My Neighbour Totoro. Now sadly the article itself has been deleted by resident parodist DouglasA, but a glance at the talk page should give one the first warning signs:

I first saw this movie in an incomplete black and white dub, in Japanese without subtitles. But it was so engaging that I sat through it anyway (I filling in for my boss’s kids’ babysitter, who was running late that day). Years later, I saw the video in a store window and immediately dashed in to buy it.

When my first daughter was born, my wife played this video all day long. So I estimate my daughter watched it over 1,000 times. –Ed Poor Talk 08:58, 14 March 2009 (EDT)

How Alexander Cornswalled sees Totoro.

That’s right. Ed Poor likes it and (horrific image of Ed babysitting aside) you don’t mess with Ed’s stuff – which explains why CP still has an article on Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon. Alex (I’m sure he won’t mind the shortened version – we have a bond, after all), however, saw the movie as something quite other than a harmless tale of cuddly wood spirits helping small children in a time of crisis. I mean we’re talking Ghibli here… Hayao Miyazaki… just being in the same room as the man can make your teeth rot from the sweetness.

Oh no. Alex writes that Totoro is a “Demon, who routinely kidnaps two sisters with a dying mother and puts them in dangerous situations.” I’m guessing the dangerous situation is making them hang out with minions who use leaves as umbrellas, or possibly having them ride in the pussy bus? (Ok, that last one does create images of the Penthose letters page…)

PERVERSION!!!!!

On the subject of sex, he’s not finished yet. Alex is horrified that the father could actually bathe with his two daughters. To whit: “the father, whose wife is in a hospice, is seen taking a bath with his two daughters, one of whom is old enough to be on the cusp of puberty. The perversion of this scene is undeniable…” WHAT?? Ok, besides the major cultural fail, they were in the bathroom together. It wasn’t like the daddy was rubbing the girls down (possibly much to Ed’s disappointment?), it was a perfectly harmless bathing scene. Hell, my memory is foggy, but I don’t think you even see a bare bum in the scene. Clearly Alex has some serious sexual hang-ups, to read perversion into this.

The last point he tries to make is that the children’s’ mother is dying from radiation poisoning and is thus a protest against the US’s bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Meanwhile, it’s fairly clear she has TB and Miyazaki is on record as saying his own mother was treated for TB in a sanatorium and that aspect of the film is somewhat autobiographical.

Now, Ed Poor took one look at this (actually, so I did and decided it was too good not to leave in the article) and reverted Alex’s edits, before blocking him until the entropy death of the universe, with the wonderful message, “crazy speculation in Totoro film article.” Naturally, he protested, but hadn’t realised he was dealing with a cowardly CP administrator, and received no answer.

However, it does seem that Alex had the last laugh, what with DouglasA(dams) deleting the article and all, for he says “You don’t need a detailed article on a movie glamorizing demons, witchcraft and pedophilia in a reference source geared towards home-schooled children.” Just imagine if he’d found Ed’s entry in rimming in the Gay Bowel Syndrome entry!

But wait!! There’s more!

Pikachu - fucking terrifying!

Not content with attacking Totoro, Alex turns his attention to those other spawns of Satan… the Pokemon! Again, I agree with him to a degree – Pokemon are fucking evil and the only purpose they serve is that one day the kiddies that watch it, will wake up and realise that people make good anime too.

However, Alex doesn’t rant against the general stupidity of it, or the crass commercialism of making kids buy packets of crisps to get more Pokemon cards. Oh no… he sees a far deeper, darker plot than just marketing gurus flinging intensely annoying characters at us.

You see, in his world, Pokemon isn’t derived from the phrase “Pocket Monsters.” Oh no… apparently “Pokos” is the god of thunder for an ancient Italian sect called “Pikat-shoo.” Apparently, this polytheistic “Cult of Pokos” survived purges by the early Christians and still exists to this day – safely hidden away in Japanese animation studios, ready to brainwash kids by having anime characters battle each other. It’s probably also worth mentioning that googling “Cult of Pokos” produces no links, other than Alex’s. So either he’s insane, or onto a conspiracy that’s going to make Dan Brown billions!

However, the really funny bit is that he used have a section listing the various Pokemon characters, using the cards as illustrations. It seems that Nintendo took a dim view of this and wrote to him, instructing him to remove the images. I’ll let Alex tell the rest of the story in his own words:

I sent back a letter pointing out that most of the pokemon characters were based (abet some of them very loosely) on gods from three separate pagan religions, and were as such not subject to modern copyright laws. “It would be like Nintendo trying to copyright images of Zeus or Saturn,” I said. I received a second letter reminding me that Marvel currently held a copyright on a god patterned after the Norse god Thor.

For once, a lawyer made me laugh.There’s more about Pokemon being a symbol of the New World Order, because Japan is one of the hubs of the one-world government and our culture is becoming more Eastern and babble about the Trilateral Commission, but really, once you’ve argued with a patent lawyer that Pikachu is actually a pagan god and you can’t copyright him, there isn’t really any way to follow on from that.

Oh yes, I can see me having some fun with Alex and his blog.

About PsyGremlin

PsyGremlin is a former Conservapedia sysop (although the position was earned nefariously), stand up comedian, DJ, and is currently a self-employed financial adviser, who impersonates a responsible adult at least 5 days a week. However, highlighting and poking fun at the crazies out there remains his first love. Well besides pork crackling. And custard. And cricket.
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2 Responses to Back to the nuttiness

  1. Kels says:

    You do see a very fast flash of the older girl’s bare bum in the Totoro bath scene, but it’s still anything near sexual. Unless you’re a repressed conservative, I guess, but then we’re getting back to the Victorian habit of covering up piano legs, aren’t we? The radiation thing is way out of left field.

  2. Fuck! says:

    Gotta love Uncle Ed. Without him and his not-so-subtle repressed sexual tendancies, CONservapedia would be much less interesting. Hmmmm, fun like this almost makes me wanna unblock CP from my firewall…..

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