Hi! I’m Jesus!


Well, not me personally – I look dreadful with a beard and it’ll be a cold day in Hell before you get me in a kaftan. I’m referring to one Alan John Miller, or as he likes to call himself on his website, Jesus. Still, as you can see from the beatific smile and beady little eyes, he’s clearly at peace with the world. Either that, or he’s been smoking some seriously good stuff. The dazed looking blonde in one Mary Suzanne Luck, aka Mary. Magdalene. Yes, that one. Oh and the picture itself is titled “Jesus&MaryNow” – which reminds me of something

However, don’t take my word for it, let’s hear what Alan… sorry, Jesus has to say about it:

Just a little over 2000 years ago, we arrived on the earth for the first time. My name then was Yeshua ben Yosef, or the Jesus of the Bible, the son of Joseph and Mary. Mary’s name then was Mary of Magdala, the woman identified in the Bible as Mary Magdalene. Mary was my wife then, and the first person I appeared to after I was crucified.

It seems that at some point in his life, he realised that he was the Messiah, sent as part of a process by God that humans could follow “if they so desired.” So, hang on a minute – it seems God sent Jesus back to Earth… without actually mentioning the fact that he was Jesus. I think I’m seeing the flaw in the plan here.

However, it gets a bit more weird. It seems that after Jesus’ original teachings became “distorted so much so as to not retain much of the Divine Truth” – no argument there on my part; the cult of Paulism has a lot to answer for – Mary and some other followers “passed into the spirit realm” in order to “discover of Divine Truth, and receive Divine Love from God through prayer.” Wait… this part of the story seems to have been left out of the Bible.

It seems they tried to convey their truths to somebody called James Padgett (no, no idea either – fodder for another post one day) but after he proved unworthy, Jesus and Mary and 6 other “soul pairs” returned to do the job. And what better way of spreading God’s Divine Truth, than via a rather shoddy webpage?

They even provide you with some biographical info about Jesus and Mary. Now Mary – who is kinda shaggable (even without the creepy “as she was” caption next to her photo) – describes her meeting with Jesus as follows:

In late 2007 when I first encountered AJ giving a talk in my parents living room, I was a somewhat cynical, world traveller, disappointed with the lack of love and peace in the world, dissatisfied with spirituality and even with God. I thought I was fine, in fact better than I had ever been! In my heart I harboured deep disillusionment that I had to come to feel that that was just being worldly and realistic.

Wait… I thought you were Mary Magdalene? What happened to seeking Divine Truth in the spirit realm? What happened to being Jesus’ soul mate? Oh wait… let me guess… God sent you back with no fucking clue what to do, or who you are, either, right? What a joker this God fellow is! More worrying is the fact that Mary appears to be a medium. Wait… yes, one of those “communicate with the spirits” people. I would have thought they’d have a hotline to Heaven, so to speak, without having to rely on the dodgy spirits. I’m also fairly sure that Paul and possible John, in Revelations, held a pretty dim view on mediums or fortune tellers.

All in all, we’re looking at just another – although with a novel take, admittedly – yahoo jumping on the new age / religion bandwagon. I do have to give him credit though – most of these guys only claim to be an emissary of God… to go and claim you’re the Son of God… that takes balls.

About PsyGremlin

PsyGremlin is a former Conservapedia sysop (although the position was earned nefariously), stand up comedian, DJ, and is currently a self-employed financial adviser, who impersonates a responsible adult at least 5 days a week. However, highlighting and poking fun at the crazies out there remains his first love. Well besides pork crackling. And custard. And cricket.
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3 Responses to Hi! I’m Jesus!

  1. Pi says:

    I am still torn on whether this pure hoax for cash or if they believe it.

    • PsyGremlin says:

      I think that the minute there’s money involved, it’s fake. No matter how pious they look or sound, they’re fake. Darren Brown and Marjoe (great film if you haven’t seen it) more than prove that.

      On the other hand, those guys walking around, going “I’m Jesus! Here have $50!” are locked up in loony bins.

  2. WWWWolf says:

    > It seems that at some point in his life, he realised that he was the Messiah,

    Now, there’s a big problem with that fact alone!

    “The most startling incident in my life was the time I discovered myself to be a poet, which was in the year 1877.” – William Topaz McGonagall

    Did that help that guy? Right.

    You see, it is not enough to discover yourself to be something awesome. Realising your potential is *only* the first step. You have to actually *work* on cultivating the gifts to greater sheen.

    =)

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