Goddidit again!


You have shaken your male member in a place where it doesn’t belong. I too, will shake the Earth!

One of the reasons that I finally gave up whatever vague religious leanings I did have as a youngster, was

God's gonna getcha!

that I could quite simply no longer reconcile the so-called “God of love” with the vain, petty, jealous, malicious creature lurking in the shadows of scripture. I really couldn’t see myself worshipping something that advocated genocide, killed people in horrible ways for such mundane things as accidentally touching the Ark, or daring to hold a census, or not listening to the petulant, foot stamping “Me! You must love me! Why don’t you love meeeeeee?? Die!”

For that matter, what the hell (excuse the pun!) is so loving about somebody who’s going to chuck you into a pit of fire, just because you didn’t simper and fawn over them and them alone. That’s stalkerish behaviour taken to the nth degree. God is basically a psycho boyfriend, stabbing his girlfriend to death, because she doesn’t love him anymore. The only difference being, of course, that this is God and He can do whatever He damn well feels like.

Including punishing everybody, all the time.

Not once, in the history of mankind, have we woken up and gone, “Ooh! Look! God’s given everybody an extra banana!” (to steal a line from the irrepressible Eddie Izzard) Not once. But He’s more than happy to send earthquakes, tsunami’s, droughts… oh, hell, He’ll wipe out the entire planet (allegedly!) to punish us. Even if we haven’t done anything wrong. He’s a bit like a bad stepfather – the kind who’ll beat you when you’re bad, and beat you when you’re good, just to make sure you don’t get ahead of yourself. Also – and I know you’re reading this, God, because you are omnipresent, after all – here’s a hint: If you really, really want to stroke your ego and get people to obey you, don’t go to all the effort to shake the earth, or pile up the seas, or whatever it is you do. Just simply appear in the sky and say “Don’t!” Trust me – do that, and you’ll have more supporters than Manchester United.


I have a sneaky suspicion that if there is a God, and if one day I get a chance to whisper in His ear (before I start screaming forever in a lake of fire, of course) that sending natural disasters isn’t going the crack the Top 100 public relations stunts, He probably won’t have a clue what I’m talking about.

You see, the only reason that we know that God is sending all these natural events to keep us in line, is because we have a bunch of insane, crooked, religious fuckheads who tells us so – probably because they get off on people’s suffering. It takes a certain kind of mentality to sprout crap like “God loves you – you see, He sent an earthquake that killed 10,000 people to show you how much he loves you.” Then again, these are the same monsters who’ll tell a grieving child that his Mommy has gone to God, because He wanted her more than the child did.

Now, the reason I’m writing this is because during the past week, there’s been two earthquakes in the US of A. And not in California either. Needless to say, this has the wing-nuts out and dribbling about how this is a message from God and blaming it on everything from Obama to athlete’s foot. (Ok, slight exaggeration, but not much!) I’m happy that these guys are so in touch with God, that they know exactly what He’s thinking – or even better, what He means when He apparently does something. In the same way, I know exactly what my pot plant is telling me – normally by turning yellow and wilting – but I’m not going to stand on a street corner and preach about that – people would think I’m mad. And yet somehow, you can proclaim to know the inner thoughts of some invisible super being, and everybody nods sagely and gives you pots of money.

There’s plenty of these mentally and morally ill morons out there, but I’d like to focus on just two (otherwise I’ll be writing this page for WEEKS!) First up, that bastion of Christianity – Pat Robertson… who also happens to be a rabid right-wing Republican. Now most people, when they hit their 80s, would be content to sit in a comfy chair, soak up the sunlight and enjoy their final years, as they dribble into their lap. Sadly not Robertson. Not content with becoming stinkingly rich at the hands of gullible, Robertson is big on the Wrath of God. Then again, if my parents had christened me “Marion” I’d probably also go bat-shit insane. This is a guy who gets orgasmic every time Mother Nature takes it upon herself to squish, flush, burn  or otherwise creatively kill a few of us. For him, God is this vengeful being, and there’s a sword of Damocles hanging over all of us, just waiting for you to screw up, so God can come and drop a mountain on your head. Here’s a few examples of Robertson’s own special dribble:

I would warn Orlando that you’re right in the way of some serious hurricanes, and I don’t think I’d be waving those flags in God’s face if I were you, This is not a message of hate — this is a message of redemption. But a condition like this will bring about the destruction of your nation. It’ll bring about terrorist bombs; it’ll bring earthquakes, tornadoes, and possibly a meteor.

All because Disneyland want to have “gay days.”

I’d like to say to the good citizens of Dover: If there is a disaster in your area, don’t turn to God, you just rejected him from your city. And don’t wonder why he hasn’t helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I’m not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city. And if that’s the case, don’t ask for his help because he might not be there.

Because the good citizens of Dover made damn sure their kids weren’t going to be taught creationist claptrap (argh! I’ve been spending too much time hanging around Schlafly!) at school.

This is the same man of God who basically said that Haiti was asking for their own earthquake, because they “made a pact with the Devil” in order to overthrow their French colonial masters. As you can see from this list, he’s not scared to associate stokes with the Will of God either. In short, Pat Robertson is a really vile man.

Now the fact that the earthquake was centred around Virginia, and thus Washington DC, clearly has Robertson’s attention. Never mind the earthquake in Colorado the day before… that was just God practising. Then again, Colorado is run by those filthy Democrats, so they probably had it coming…

The fact that the Washington Monument cracked during the quake is important for Robertson:

…it seems to me the Washington Monument is a symbol of America’s power, it has been the symbol of our great nation, we look at that monument and say this is one nation under God. Now there’s a crack in it, there’s a crack in it and it’s closed up. Is that a sign from the Lord? Is that something that has significance or is it just result of an earthquake? You judge, but I just want to bring that to your attention.

I wonder what Robertson and his ilk make of the fact that the National Cathedral suffered “substantial” damage during the quake. Not to mention the churches flattened during the Christchurch quake. Maybe God’s putter is a bit off. Not to mention the Pope’s anti-homosexuality rant being cut short by an “Act of God.”

Which brings us handily to our next raving fuckhead – Rabbi Yehuda Levin. I’d call him more than a schmuck and a kvetch, but that’s all the Yiddish I know. This is a monumental dingbat, which such a hard-on for homosexuals (ok, bad analogy, but you know what I mean), that his video rants are taken down by Youtube, due to the hate speech contained therein. I’d like to show you just what a prize dick this so-called man of God is. On his site, he features a letter from a high school girl, who said that her school had received a complaint because they were showing the play “Falsettos” – which is apparently about a “a Jewish family in New York experiencing troubles because of sexuality.” She politely says “It is a play about accepting people who are homosexual as people on equal terms  with heterosexual persons, so unless you find gays offensive, I see nothing in this play that condemns the Jewish faith,” and finishes with “If this play is in any way offensive to you, I’m very sorry.Thank you for your time and consideration. “

Let’s see what this rabid rabbi replies (as copied from his site) – remember he’s talking to a high school child here:

I wrote the letter. Jews are referred to in the bible as a nation of priests & holy people. we are told” be holy because i your God am holy.” this ” play” is pure smut & antithetical to biblical values for which jews died in inquisitions holocaust etc. frankly i believe that devout moslem s & christians both of whom base major parts of their religions on our values & our torah would feel equally offended if their religion where debased in the play. i assume if this exact play would be about you , your parents , grandparents siblings, etc. & whatever religious or moral values you ‘subscribe’ to you or they [certainly your grandparents] would be outraged. nice of you to write ,but saying im sorry as if that is a magic wand which somehow erases the insult & the pain… it does not ,at all. furthermore to add insult to injury ,you act as judge & rule that unless we stand with the petition & mass resistance [we proudly do!] there’s nothing else offensive about this , debased , debauched smut.this attitude reflects your obvious lack of elemental values which your own antecedents going back millennia adhered to.its quite immature& frankly very self centred in not being able to understand another group’s pain or values. how sad.

It’s somewhat illuminating that the student writes far more intelligently than this dribbling, ranting moron – why the fuck are religious wing-nuts incapable of basic grammar. Still, maybe I’m being too harsh. Maybe this fuck up can’t speak English. Given the way he refers to people as “homosexialists” I wouldn’t be a bit surprised. Either way, if I received this letter from a man of letters, I’d be seriously concerned about his mental state.

His original letter of complaint can be found here. It’s funny how he also feels the need to refer to himself in the third person. Still, suffice to say, after reading his response above, I would have no problem at all slapping this kosher cunt through the face. Repeatedly. Objecting is one thing. Being an objectionable piece of shit is quite another.

Of course, for the rabid rabbi everything is the fault of the homosexuals. Including earthquakes. In fact, this bearded buffoon even has a very good reason why the earthquake happened… it’s because New York passed legislation that legalises same-sex marriage.

I’ll say that again.

God sent an earthquake to the USA, because of same-sex marriage. Oh yes, that’s also the reason why an 8-year-old boy was murdered. It’s at times like this I wish we did make this up, because when I’m faced with such monumental stupidity from a supposedly educated man – if you can call having a belief in a Bronze Age myth “educated” – I want to jab fondue forks in my eyes.

I must confess, however, I did rather enjoy his turn of phrase, as quoted at the top of this article. The problem is I’ve shaken my penis in many places it didn’t belong… most notably after having a pensive pee in a vase belonging to a girlfriend’s mother. I shudder to think what calamity befell the earth after that little endeavour.

I have just one question for the rabbi – if God is so pissed off with New York, why did he send an earthquake to Colorado and Virginia? Is he a bit squint, or is it that He doesn’t give a fuck – just as long as somebody, somewhere is screaming in fear?

I think I’m going to pray for God to drop a mountain on these two fuckers. If He exists, it seems to be just the kind of thing he likes doing.

About PsyGremlin

PsyGremlin is a former Conservapedia sysop (although the position was earned nefariously), stand up comedian, DJ, and is currently a self-employed financial adviser, who impersonates a responsible adult at least 5 days a week. However, highlighting and poking fun at the crazies out there remains his first love. Well besides pork crackling. And custard. And cricket.
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2 Responses to Goddidit again!

  1. Robbert says:

    Oh, I loved that quote about the Dover trail, I think it was also used in Judgment Day: Intelligent Design On Trial. Just as the ID movement had spent years trying to convince people that, no, ID wasn’t creationism, and no, the designer wasn’t necessarily the Christian God, in barges Robertson and goes “YOU HAVE FORESAKEN GOD!” Priceless. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

  2. random surfer says:

    I’m reminded of the story of the little boy who asks his mother why it rains. “God is watering the trees and the grass and the flowers so they can grow.”

    Kid replies, “So why does it rain on the sidewalk?”

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