What? It’s Rapture Season Already?


This post originally started out as a follow-up from its predecessor, and I was going to pose the question “Why did God forsake Tim Tebow and the Broncos in their hour of need?” In fact, one could argue that God did a lot more than forsake them, given the 45-10 smashing they received at the hands of the New England Patriots, and the fact that the opposing quarterback threw a record 6 touchdown passes, whilst Tebow was awash in his fantastic mediocrity – 9 of 26 completions and only 136 yards. However, a few minutes on Google persuaded me to change my topic.

You see, the Rapture is almost upon us once again!

I’m not talking about fraudulent madman Harold Camping’s rantings either. Fortunately, he’s been relegated to the scrap-heap of history, but given that religion in general, and Christianity in particular, is based on suspension of disbelief, there is always somebody else waiting in the wings to lead the terminally gullible astray… usually in an attempt to part them from their cash. My recent googling turned up the name of one Gerry Almond, who appears to have predicting the Rapture for some time now.

It seems the first date was 4th or 5th April 2011 (which clearly didn’t happen), based on the fact that he’d calculated the anti-Christ would be on Earth by 11th April, 2012. If you really want to torture yourself with the exact calculations, you can read B G Ellis’ posts on why there’s “Compelling evidence that THE RAPTURE occurs on Gerry Almond’s dates of: April 4th-5th, 2011!” (which link you to pages that look suspiciously Timecube-ish in design.

It’s worth mentioning that despite the claims of “Compelling evidence”, the posts come with a handy caveat:

“THE ABOVE IS A THEORY ONLY AND ONE NEEDS TO BE CAUTIOUS OF DATE SETTING.”

That’s handy!

Gerry isn’t done yet. It seems he’s also forecast November 2015 as another possible rapture date (based on the gematria of Jesus, the parable of the fig, and the fact that Rapture must take  place during “our” generation), and it seems that he also jumped on the whole Comet Elenin bandwagon, just to be on the safe side.

However, it seems that Gerry’s not done with predicting yet. Watch out for yet another Rapture on January 28th this year. Admittedly, I’m a bit wary of using “Rapture in the Air Now” because they seem to be populated by raving nutjobs. Here’s why the OP thinks that Gerry’s Jan 28th prediction is right:

I read the last confirmation received by (Mod edit) which I think is a wow because after he was telling about the rapture, the sign of the light off in SF then in the room where he was, the light was also off for duration of 5 seconds out of nowhere. For me it is a wow.

I really hope this time, this is it, this is it, this is it

So, apparently a light going off in a room, is proof that the Rapture is going to happen. Or something.

However, this nutter isn’t alone in coming up with bizarre reasons to see the Rapture happening any day now. Here’s a couple of other responses, highlighting just why they believe the Rapture is coming:

When my alarm clock radio went off this morning, a song was playing ….something like “Party Like It’s 1999″.  My first thought was….”Oh wow..THAT is IT, Lord!” .  I suddenly recalled how evil the New Year’s Celebrations on TV appeared to me this past year, which we only turned on for a few minutes to watch the ball drop in NYC.  I was immediately aware that possibly THE first sign the Lord gave us was the BIRDS dropping out of the sky that very night in ARKansas!!!!  (I was thinking maybe birds represent the Holy Spirit in the Bible?).

That post carries on in similar vein for a bit. Torment yourself with all of it here. However, we’re not done yet. Have a read of this special bit of crazy:

Just in the last two days, I have received two very strong confirmations about the weekend of January 27 thru 29. The first happened on Wednesday morning on my drive into work. My oldest sister telephoned me (I have hands-free Bluetooth in my car). She is a very strong Believer who is frequently checking with me to see if I have had any recent visions, dreams, or revelations about the Rapture or other End Times events. I told her about my “cat food drawer” vision and my interpretation about the likelihood of the last weekend of January for the Rapture. She surprised me by saying that she and her husband are going on their 1st cruise ever, leaving Jan. 25 for 5 days, returning home on Jan. 30. The important thing here is that they are going with my oldest brother and his wife, who are confirmed agnostics and devoted “disciples” of John Shelby Spong. In his church, my brother actively teaches this false doctrine! He is very strong-willed, arguing endlessly against testimony from any of us Believers in the family. The only thing that would sway them is if my sister and her husband were raptured right in front of them — and I now I am confident that is exactly what will happen!

The second confirmation came yesterday (Thursday) morning. For nearly a year now, my wife and I have been trying to set a date to have our pastor and his wife over for dinner and a movie at our house. We have a small Blu-ray movie theater, and his wife has been wanting to see the Disney movie “Up”. When he called, he said that the only solid date that works for them is Friday night January 27. We’ll be watching “Up”!!! (in more ways than one!!!)

Wait… so your sister going on a cruise, and the pastor coming to watch a movie, are signs that the Rapture is coming. I just ate an extra-hot curry. Is that a sign I’m going to hell?

However, I’m going to save the bast for last (and it also provides me with a handy segue back to my opening statements in this post. Once again from “Rapture in the Air Now”, we have a reason why Tebow’s Broncos lost their game:

Maybe Gerry Almond’s Jan 28th day is right on and God knew Tebow wouldn’t be around to play the superbowl anyway!

People this stupid deserve everything that happens to them. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some posts to make to Fundies Say the Darndest Things

About PsyGremlin

PsyGremlin is a former Conservapedia sysop (although the position was earned nefariously), stand up comedian, DJ, and is currently a self-employed financial adviser, who impersonates a responsible adult at least 5 days a week. However, highlighting and poking fun at the crazies out there remains his first love. Well besides pork crackling. And custard. And cricket.
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3 Responses to What? It’s Rapture Season Already?

  1. Pi says:

    I find all the Tebow hate disappointing. He is a really nice guy. I wouldn’t mind if he wanted to marry my sister, but I wouldn’t want him to quarterback my NFL team (I was going to say my football team, but then I thought “I would love him to quarterback the amateur American football team I play on in Australia, we would stomp so much ass, plus he would get to meet my sister”). He is at this point in his career mediocre at best. He can win games, if his team can stay in them. They get down by more than 10 point and it is over, he can’t engineer a comeback from there. It is not all him though. His o-line is not physically big enough to protect him in the pocket for long, being chosen smaller to support their more athletic zone blocking run game. He has no receivers worth a dime (or even nickel coverage). But on the flip side the amount of media attention and “fan” love he gets, despite being so mediocre, is nauseating (I call them “fans” because I expect most are evangelicals who usually get upset by the idolatry of sports stars normally, but make an exception in his case). His big problem, and the reason most people in the spotlight keep their religion private, is that it is so divisive.

  2. wigglytug says:

    that website is distrubing ive been there..how to they even sleep at night

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