Just what petty, vindictive imaginary spirit do you worship, anyway?


So, President Obama has committed yet another grievous crime against right-wing America – he’s come out in favour of gay marriage. And of course the fundie fuckheads are up in arms, because how dare… HOW DARE… people who are “different” to them enjoy the same rights as them?

Who better to illustrate this vitriolic homophobia than that well-known smuggler of caterpillars, Joseph Farah himself… with a little help from somebody equally despicable, called Franklin Graham.

Let’s start off with what Graham had to say:

He has “shaken his fist” at God, said Graham.

“It grieves me that our president would now affirm same-sex marriage, though I believe it grieves God even more,” Graham added. “This is a sad day for America. May God help us.”

That’s another thing that always bugs me with the religious fuckheads – they always seem to know what God is thinking, or worse – what he meant to say. It’s as if they sat down and had breakfast with the man himself. Of course, given that he’s entirely fictional and these are dangerously deluded people we’re talking about, it’s quite possible that they do believe that God did have coffee with them – and washed the dishes afterwards.

However, let’s leave it to Farah to have the final say on what he calls the “oxymoronic abomination known as ‘same-sex marriage.'”

Of course, Farah just can’t keep his wingnut birtherism out of anything. Even somebody pretending to be the President of the US of A shouldn’t be shaking their fist at God. No, they should be praying to him for advice, before ignoring the rest of the sane world and invading Iraq. Here’s a question Joe: If Obama’s just “pretending” to be President, then who is President? Biden? You really need to think more and write less.

On the subject of not thinking, watch how masterfully Farah discounts the entire Old Testament. After all, it might say homosexuality is an abomination, but it also says to can kill your neighbour for working on the sabbath, and even stone your kids (not in a good way!) if they’re naughty little shits.

Of course, there are many so-called “Christians” who don’t take the Old Testament seriously. It doesn’t make a lot of sense, because it is the Old Testament that prophecies the Messiah to come and the credentials of the one whom all true Christians worship as the Son of God and their redeemer – Jesus.

But let’s put that contradiction aside for the moment.

Nice one, Joe! Let’s ignore half the Bible and quotemine the bits that agree with me.

Then we get to the gist of his message. You see, fundies seem to live in some bizarre masochistic fantasy land, where they’re ruled over by some petty despot just can’t wait to beat them up if they do anything wrong. Of course, like any despot, this one claims to do it out of love. I’m sure there’s countless battered spouses who’ve heard something similar. Thing is, it’s not that he’ll spank you if you’re bad – he’ll spank everybody, even those not involved. And not just because you’re bad either. Oh no, this is a prima donna god too and as jealous as hell. God help you (excuse the pun) if he catches you looking at another god; widespread smiting will ensue.

Obama and the other champions of this perversion are arrogantly defying an institution literally defined by God in the Garden of Eden and affirmed by His Son Jesus during His earthly ministry. So anyone claiming to be a Bible-believing Christian who rejects that definition has some serious soul-searching to do – not to mention some exegetic rationalization.

It’s one thing for an atheist to support this faddish idea.

It’s one thing for an agnostic secular humanist to support it.

It’s one thing for a non-Christian or non-Jew to support it.

But it is another thing entirely for anyone who claims to believe the Bible is the Word of God – or to call himself a Christian, as Obama and Joe Biden do.

Except for one small thing, Joe – separation of church and state. As much as you’d like the US of A to be some sort of quasi-military theocracy, it’s not. The laws of the land are not governed by the rules laid down by your invisible friend. The founding fathers probably had raving lunatics like you in mind when they drafted the Constitution.

For all that Christians love to accuse atheists and evolutionist of worshiping Hitler and Stalin, I find it wonderfully ironic that they have an imaginary friend who they see as being a million times more vindictive and destructive than those two horrors combined. And yet they see this as being a good thing.

Of course, God is going to smite America for embracing gay marriage, but let me use Joe’s words:

There will be serious consequences for America as a result of this growing apostasy. I believe we are already feeling them. It’s praiseworthy that voters in 32 out of 32 states have rejected this invention of the pseudo-intellectual cultural elite. But, it will take more than that to prevent God’s wrath on a nation flirting with arrogant, defiant rejection of one of God’s most sacred injunctions.

As a man claiming to be America’s leader, Obama has cursed us all. In fact, he himself represents one of those judgments that, I believe, is already upon us as a nation.

So hang on… God is going to curse America because Obama has endorsed gay marriage… but Obama is already one of the curses, because he’s going to endorse gay marriage. Isn’t God getting a bit ahead of himself in the old smiting stakes here? Not only that, but do you honestly believe that God’s got nothing better to do than hang around, waiting for people to piss him off, so he can lay down some rightous smiting? Just what kind of vindictive, bored bully are you worshipping?

Look Joe – I know that having the Black Man in the White House offends your Klan sensibilities, but you really should learn to not let your hatred cloud your writing.

It only makes you look an even bigger idiot than usual.

Of course, now this gives scumbags like Farah and Pat Robertson the opportunity to blame any natural mishap that might – and will – occur on gay people.

About PsyGremlin

PsyGremlin is a former Conservapedia sysop (although the position was earned nefariously), stand up comedian, DJ, and is currently a self-employed financial adviser, who impersonates a responsible adult at least 5 days a week. However, highlighting and poking fun at the crazies out there remains his first love. Well besides pork crackling. And custard. And cricket.
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8 Responses to Just what petty, vindictive imaginary spirit do you worship, anyway?

  1. Anonymous says:

    I’m constantly both baffled and depressed by the rampant homophobia among the “Christian right” in America. Maybe it’s because I’m from Britain where, as far as I’ve experienced, the resounding attitude towards gay people has been “oh… fair enough. Tea anyone?” but the insane nonsense that American homophobic Christians spout en masse whenever the subject of homosexuality is even mentioned is just nonsense of the highest order.

    They’re using a character from an old book to justify what laws they want passed in a secular government. If I came up to one of them and said they couldn’t have one of their rights because Zeus would not be pleased and might shove a thunderbolt up everyone’s arse, they’d look at me like I’ve escaped from some place. But apparently that kind of attitude is okay if you’re a devout Christian.

    Funny how often “religious liberty” seems to translate out to “sit down and shut up, you do what we tell you!” isn’t it?

    Plus the entire “God will smite the world if we allow gay people rights!” argument is dumb. I sincerely doubt an omnipotent, omnipresent, all-knowing, all-powerful being is too concerned about the specific genitalia of who I share my bed with. I can’t see that being too high on his list of priorities.

    • brxbrx says:

      The “you’re oppressing my religious liberties by preventing me from oppressing others” meme I think is actually pretty recent. Back in the day fundies would just say “screw you, homo, there is no religious freedom in this country (founding fathers said so)!”
      It seems to have arisen in the past few years in response to anti-bullying campaigns and to a lesser extent the increasing legalization of same-sex marriage.

    • Chris says:

      I feel proud of knowing that I live in a country where the conservative PM can condemn Section 28 as a terrible policy, express regret for ever having supported it, and announce plans to legalise same-sex civil marriage.

  2. Kee Hinckley says:

    What gets lost in your argument is what I believe is even a stronger argument for the separation of church and state…one that may eventually even resonate with some conservatives.

    There are major Christian denominations who are just fine with gay marriage. Which means that involving the state isn’t just involving religion in government, it’s choosing one particular religion over others.

    The separation of church and state isn’t just there to protect the state. It’s also there to protect the church.

    • PsyGremlin says:

      That’s actually an excellent point, Kee! Thanks for bringing it up and yes. With people like Farah and co, it’s all about them imposing their personal brand of religion on everybody else, and as Brx mentioned above, by not allowing them to discriminate against other people, they feel they are being discriminated against.

      • Robbert says:

        They also cannot conceive of the notion of not being the dominant religion, which is why they consider the First Amendment such a nuisance. The thought that it protects them too, which it does, doesnt seem to enter their minds at all, which I guess is where the “Muslim Obama is gonna force Islam on us” meme comes from, even though under the First Amendment that isn’t even possible.

  3. Robbert says:

    Logic isn’t exactly Mr, Farah’s strong suit, is it?

    “One part of my favourite book is true, because it ‘prophesies’ the other part of the book!”

    And if Obama is God’s punishment, then what is he the punishment for? George W.? Bet Farah didn’t think of that.

    Btw, I didn’t really get the “smuggler of caterpillars” bit. What is that in reference to?

    • PsyGremlin says:

      That’s the problem, you’ve got god knows how many different sects running around, each one insisting that theirs is the one true religion. The caterpillars thing is a reference to his mustache – see pic 2nd from right in our banner. 🙂

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