Ham-fisted Billboards

So Ken Ham’s Creation “museum” (I use the inverted commas here, because what he runs is not a museum, but more on that later) has launched another campaign to lure visitors, their wallets, but most importantly, their impressionable children into his den of lies and make-believe.

This time round, he’s planting a series of billboards all over the US of A, which show pictures of various prehistoric animals, a bubble containing the worlds “Creation Museum.org” and which exit, or how far away you are from this wondrous site. Ken is very proud of these billboards, even going as far as to say “Our billboards kick the atheists’ billboards’ ass!” Or words to that effect.He’s apparently spending some $500,000 on the campaign, but is – surprise, surprise – asking museum members to chip in and fund more billboards. One thing Ken is very good at, is spending other people’s money.

Needless to say, there’s no mention of “Goddidit” anywhere on the billboard, but everybody loves a dinosaur, and no doubt there’ll be plenty of dads who’ll be nagged by snotty nosed, bored brats into stopping off to see these incredible dinosaurs.

This in itself should be punishment for driving across Kentucky, but that’s a story for another day. However, I would urge anybody who thinks that stopping off to see signposted attractions along America’s highways is a good idea, to first read Bill Bryson’s wonderful “The Lost Continent.” If you still go and stop, then you only have yourself to blame.

Here’s a few examples of the billboards:

And yes, I left the best for last. Because as we all know, fire-breathing dragons were totally real and are a part of the fossil record. The scary thing is when you realise that these people seriously believe that fire-breathing dragons did exist, and are mentioned in the Bible.

Looking at Creation Worldview Ministries (I hope I’m not falling for a Poe here), they say the following:

Quoting the Book of Job: is strong scales are his pride, shut up as with a tight seal. . . . His sneezes [breathings] flash forth light, and his eyes are like the eyelids of the morning. Out of his mouth go burning torches; sparks of fire leap forth. Out of his nostrils smoke goes forth, as from a boiling pot and burning rushes. His breath kindles coals, and a flame goes forth from his mouth.

Then again, they also believe Jonah was swallowed a giant fish or whale (depending on which verse you read), so anything’s possible. But where did the fire come from? Well, they have that covered too:

First, it is important to remember that bones tell you nothing about the existence of hair, what the skin color looked like, group social habits or internal secretions. Second, God originally made animals and mankind to be vegetarians.

Which totally explains T Rex’s teeth.

What happens when you put a lot of vegetable material in a confined space with no oxygen? The decomposition of the material produces methane gas. Cows produce a lot of methane gas. As a matter of fact, environmental terrorists are quick to point this out and to try to use this information to get people to stop consuming milk, cheese and meat. Environmental terrorists consider methane gas to be an air pollutant and a partial cause of dreaded global warming.

In essence, cows burp methane gas. Any child raised on a farm with cows knows about this. If you light a match and stick it in front of a cow when it burps, you will get a mini-flame thrower.

How could an animal intentionally ignite methane gas that it breathed out of its mouth or nostrils to produce a usable flame?

Of course, there might have been a mechanical mechanism , such as snapping or clicking the teeth together quickly to produce a spark similar to a flintlock rifle. Or, perhaps there was an electrical mechanism . A series of electrical organs lining the throat similar to those of electric eels or electric fish could have been used to ignite the gas. Electric eels produce voltages up to 600 volts on demand. More likely, however, there was a chemical mechanism involved. After all, it is the chemical mechanism of bio-luminescence that makes fireflies light up the night sky.

And so on and so forth. Just reading through that – seriously, holding a match up to a cow? – makes me wonder if this isn’t an internet prank. However, this pales into insignificance, when compared to one Dr. Richard Kent, who claims that the dragon myth came about because there was less oxygen in the air after the Flood, and their efforts to draw in more air through their small nostrils… caused their nostrils to burst into flame. Needless to say, this is also why they became extinct.

Now, one has to wonder just what kind of “museum” can be based on such hokum? Well, as we’d expect, it’s not much of a museum at all. Questions, and certainly dissenting opinions aren’t welcome. In fact, they have armed security guards there, whose job it is to essentially silence protest, and to even remove people from the “museum.” There’s also no room to explore, to roam around at will, and there’s no interactivity. You’re forced to follow a single route that stuffs their perception of reality down your throat. PZ Myers summed it up best, when he described it as, “It is a carnival ride. It shows throughout in the layout — the rubes are supposed to be shuttled through efficiently, get their little thrills, and exit so the next group can make the trip.”

The irony about all of this, is Ham’s own lamentation that:

Secularists are very concerned that children will be influenced by them and want to come to the Creation Museum. They want children to be only indoctrinated in their atheistic evolutionary religion.

Ok, one – isn’t that exactly what you’re trying to do, Ham? Indoctrinate children into your bronze age Sky daddy cult? Two, neither atheism nor evolution are a religion, but I don’t expect you to understand that. Three, they’re concerned that children will be duped by your lies. And four, there’s no such thing as dragons. Except in Harry Potter *.

And even that’s more believable than Ham’s “museum” – even with the fancy billboards.

* Yes, yes, and Chinese mythology and a gazillion other myths and legends – it’s an analogy, ok?

About PsyGremlin

PsyGremlin is a former Conservapedia sysop (although the position was earned nefariously), stand up comedian, DJ, and is currently a self-employed financial adviser, who impersonates a responsible adult at least 5 days a week. However, highlighting and poking fun at the crazies out there remains his first love. Well besides pork crackling. And custard. And cricket.
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15 Responses to Ham-fisted Billboards

  1. Dan C. says:

    Nice article, and Ken Ham’s propaganda showcase is always good for a laugh (although it’d be funnier if the nutters didn’t take it seriously).

    Just a minor issue for accuracy’s sake – Jonah was in the whale (or fish), not Job. Job was just tortured horribly by god and had to witness his entire family killed in order to win a bet with satan.

    • PsyGremlin says:

      Yikes, you’re right! Although does messing up Bible stories make me a good atheist? Thanks for the heads up (and compliment!) – error fiksed nao.

    • Steven says:

      I thought Job was the one who let his daughters get raped by the rampaging homosexuals that caused Sodom and Gomorrah’s destruction? That’s what religious folks always seem to tell me when trying to call me a crime against nature.

      • PsyGremlin says:

        That was Lot. Such a nice guy. of course, after his wife was turned into a pillar of salt, the little tramps got him drunk and had sex with him too. So maybe they weren’t so virginal, after all.

        • Steven says:

          Ah, I see. Still, makes you wonder why, if homosexuality was what caused Sodom and Gomorrah to go the way of the Dodo, “please take my female children” was considered in some way a valid strategy. I’m seeing a pretty fundamental failure in logic there.

          • PsyGremlin says:

            Well interestingly enough, nowhere in the Bible does it mention sodomy as being the sin of Sodom. In Genesis it says “that God had resolved to destroy Sodom (and its sister city Gomorrah) because its sin was “very grievous” (Genesis 18:20) and its people were “wicked and sinners before the Lord exceedingly” (13:13). It does not, however, specify the nature of this sin.”

            Where it gets interesting, however, is when you turn to the book of Ezekiel. There he explains what Sodom’s sin was:
            “Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy.”

            Makes you think, doesn’t it.

            • Steven says:

              Makes me think that Christian homophobes are either liars or they fail at understanding their own fairy tale. At least I have an excuse for my lack of knowing the details, they claim to read and follow the damn book.

  2. Kels says:

    The design is slick, but reminds me very much of the things they put on the side of U-Haul vans.

    • PsyGremlin says:

      Yeah. PZ made a good point – Ham was gloating that other museums don’t spend as much on marketing, and PZ said museums aren’t about marketing, they’re about science. Unlike Ham’s sideshow.

      • Kels says:

        Hey, he’s gotta compete with The Biggest Ball of Twine In Minnesota, it’s a tough market.

        I totally wanna see Sam & Max go to the Creation “Museum”.

  3. Steven says:

    You know someday, if the thing is still somehow making enough money to stay open by the time I move to America, I’d love to go to the Creation Museum and just make myself as awkward as possible. Asking all kinds of awkward questions like “how does that make any sense at all?”

    Just to see how they’d deal with me. Same reason I want to find the Westboro Baptist Church protesting somewhere and make out with a dude right in front of them. I just like to make myself a nuisance.

    • PsyGremlin says:

      From what I understand about the CM is that they have staff there who will have no problem “removing you from the premises” if you do start going “WTF?” at their montage of cave children playing with dinosaurs. I belive they have actually refused entrance to somebody wearing an atheist t-shirt (I seem to recall that from somebody’s review of a visit there.)

      • Steven says:

        “Atheist t-shirt” eh? I gotta get me one of those. Worst I have right now is one that says “Sorry girls, I suck dick”. Which I suspect the CM folks wouldn’t look too fondly on either. But really, I want to see that place with my own eyes one day, just for the giggles of hearing someone trying to pass their nonsense off as being in any way logical or respectable.

        Actually, this reminds me of a rather funny but altogether depressing story. When I was 15 or so my school went on a trip to an art museum in London, but me and some others snuck out to go to the National History Museum around the corner.

        In the main lobby there is (or was, that was the last time I was there) this huge dinosaur skeleton. And when we went in there, right next to it was some woman almost shouting at some dude in a suit who I assume is one of the guys in charge of the place, telling him how the entire museum is a “mockery of God’s divine creation” and how when the Rapture came later that year (I’m now 20 so you can guess how successful that prediction was) the entire building would be used as Satan’s throne room.

        Which sounded really awesome to me, though I had to wonder why, of all the places on Earth, Satan would choose a museum in London for his throne room…

        Still, nice to know the hyper-Christian crazies aren’t confined to America, I suppose.

        • Pi says:

          You can really only view that as a compliment to the place. Satan, as evil as he is supposedly is, is also supposedly massively important – possible second only to God (or fourth, I still can’t work that out). If he choose a museum in London to rule the world from, as horrible as his rule would surly be, that is a big plus for the museum. Attracting celebrities of that calibre puts Planet Hollywood to shame.

      • Kels says:

        That was during PZ’s #creozerg, I believe. They were a bit more on edge than usual, although I’ve heard of them throwing people out for making comments to their friends during visits. You’ll never be a big-time roadside attraction with that kind of attitude, Ken!

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