I know I’m probably going to hell for poking fun at the insane ramblings of Andrew Schlafly and one shouldn’t take advantage of the mentally challenged. That said, you can’t help but poke fun at somebody who – despite the best education his Mummy’s money could buy – has no apparent idea how the real world in general, and sport in particular works. Of course, it goes without saying that when it comes to sports, it’s pretty clear that Andy was always the last kid picked. Actually no, scrap that – he was the kid with the permanent excuse note from Mummy. After all, doing gym might mean having to do sports with girls. And God doesn’t like that.
Speaking of God, He seems to have a habit of speaking to Schlafly (and no doubt many, many other fundie morons) via the sporting achievements of God-botherers. The best example of this is third-rate quarterback Tim Tebow, who’s better at praying than being a quarterback. Of course, every game his team won was God sending a message and when he managed to throw 316 yards in a game… well… you could just hear them all shooting a load into their pants. Of course, when it really mattered, God seemed to ignore Tebow and not only was his team thumped, but he ended up being transferred to New York… thanks to all the liberals in Buffalo, of course. The same happened to some ice hockey goalie (was it the Bruins?) , who was a fantastic Christian when he kept a clean sheet and his team won, but once again God decided to play hardball and screwed them over when it really mattered.
Still, Schlafly hadn’t learned his lesson by the time the NBA finals rolled around, featuring the Oklahoma City Thunder against the Miami Heat. Now, the OCT are based in the Bible Belt and led by Kevin Durant, whom Schlafly describes as a “outspoken Christian.” Well, as fate would have it, the OCT won the first game of the best-of-seven finals series.
Maybe I should repeat that.
They won the first game of the best-of-seven finals series.
Admittedly, they won it quite well – 105 – 94, at home in Oklahoma. This resulted in Schlafly trumpeting the following insanity:
Christianity triumphs over self-centeredness: the Oklahoma City Thunder, led by outspoken Christian Kevin Durant, route (sic) the egotistic Miami Heat in game one of the NBA finals.
I have no idea why Miami Heat are self-centered, or egotistical. I’m guessing he couldn’t come right out and call them liberal, so he had to interject his own codeword into the sentence. After all, they’re from Miami, which is full of Obama-lovin’ Hispanics and they’re playing agsinst God’s Own Small Forward – which must be the silliest position I’ve heard of, since silly mid on – so they must be The Enemy and must therefore be denigrated anyway Schlafly knows how.
Fast forward a few days… and the Heat have won the series 4 games to 1. Not only that, but the final game resulted in a 121-106 whipping. Did God once again lose interest and wander off? Perhaps he was too busy planning the next natural disaster as His revenge for those damn gays getting married. Perhaps God found out that the OCT had a damn Muslim in their ranks.
Or maybe be doesn’t give a flying fuck about sports, being imaginary and all that.
Oh yes, and one final word on Schlafly’s “outspoken Christian” sportsman, Kevin Durant. Want to guess what this Christian and “greatest conservative sportsman’s” favourite Christmas memory is?
This is one of those times I wish I could say we couldn’t make this up. sadly, even the Onion got in before us, with their “Basketball Star Blames God for Defeat“
As always, Andy is the gift that keeps on giving. Of course, he can never been seen to have made a mistake, so he has to justify the OCT’s losing somehow. Ah yes, they lost, because they’d taught the Heat a lesson in humility in the first game. Or something.
After being schooled in Christian selflessness by losing the first game to Kevin Durant and the Oklahoma City Thunder, the Miami Heat uses strong teamwork to win the NBA Championship – and then thanks the fans.