It’s Sunday, I’ve spent the morning burning down churches and I’ve just had a lovely dinner of roast aborted fetuses – you know, a typical day in the life of a liberal – and I’m really not in the mood for railing against fundamentalist (with the emphasis on “mental”) nutjobs today.
No, today I want to have some fun (over and above deflowering virgins before an altar dedicated to Obama and Satan). You see, it’s come to my attention that there appears to be a direct relation between how badly your website is designed, and how batshit insane it’s contents are. You can almost guarantee that the minute you stumble upon a site claiming that the Rapture is due any day now, or that aliens are harvesting your dreams in order to keep the New World Order running, it will look like it’s been designed by a colourblind 9-year-old. With ADD. On LSD.
There should be an internet rule for this phenomenon – it’s possible there is one – to stand alongside such classics as Poe’s Law, Danth’s law and Skitt’s Law. However, I’m not going to propose one – mostly because I suck at naming things (just ask my daughter, Small Pink Thing That Screams A Lot And Won’t Sleep Through The Bloody Night Yet). Here’s where my loyal readers come in – how about suggesting a name for the law, as well as any examples you come across.
Here’s a few just to get you started:
Let’s start off with a classic – possibly the most batshit insane site on the internet ever. The creation of one Gene Ray, it postulates that time has four corners and what we see as a day is actually 4 days. or something. It’s hard to keep track when withing the first few sentences we get:
Bible A Lie & Word Is Lies. Navel Connects 4 Corner 4s. God Is Born Of A Mother – She Left Belly B. Signature. Every Priest Has Ma Sign But Lies To Honor Queers.
Yeah… I have no idea what it means either. Add to this frequent changes in font type, size, colour, and capitalisation and you have a mix guaranteed to make your eyes bleed, whilst your brain dribbles out your ears.
TimeCube is also the reason behind the aptly named “Timecube’s law,” which states:
As the length of a webpage grows linearly, the likelihood of the author being a lunatic increases exponentially.
The Creation Museum, Taxidermy Hall of Fame of North Carolina and Antique Tool Museum
What I love about this is the way whoever is behind this clusterfuck decided to go for broke. Hell, if you’re interested in the Creation then you’re going to love antique tools and taxidermy!
“Roadside America” describes it as: “a bewildering display of over 200 stuffed animals, antique tools, barbed wire, golf balls, can openers, and I can’t remember what all else, peppered throughout with creationism messages, and housed in a Christian Bookstore. If it lives in North Carolina and isn’t a protected species, someone has stuffed it and it’s on display here.”
I bet this place is more fun than Ken Ham’s Creation Museum in Kentucky.
What do you do if you really, really, really want to convey
the voices in your head God’s Message to the people who visit your site, but you’re scared that if they follow one link, they might miss another important part of your message?
You cram it all – and I mean ALL – onto one page. Because nothing says you’re serious liek a solid wall of multi-coloured, multi-font, multi-size text, spread out with no rhyme or reason. The site supports the “King James Bible is the only true Bible” point of view – and even has a cartoon showing the NIV Bible to be the work of the Pope, Satan and (possibly Dick Cheney). I saw that, and the claim that evolution is a lie… as is the periodic table, apparently, but then my eyes once against started gushing blood.
Jesus-is-Lord.com is another shining example of Timecube’s law.
Hear Us Now USA
Where would this post be with a nod towards the purveyors of the most ungrammatical placards since English was invented – the Tea Party. Given that this site is dedication to all the Tea Party paranoia – Obama is a Marxist atheist Muslim Kenyan, who’s coming for your land, guns, souls and bodily fluids, it’s little wonder they have to provide colour-coded headlines so their readers know when to stop moving their lips as they read.
So, there’s four examples. Please, please share any others you have in the comments and I’ll keep updating this section.
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