We Need an Internet Law For This…


It’s Sunday, I’ve spent the morning burning down churches and I’ve just had a lovely dinner of roast aborted fetuses – you know, a typical day in the life of a liberal – and I’m really not in the mood for railing against fundamentalist (with the emphasis on “mental”) nutjobs today.

No, today I want to have some fun (over and above deflowering virgins before an altar dedicated to Obama and Satan). You see, it’s come to my attention that there appears to be a direct relation between how badly your website is designed, and how batshit insane it’s contents are. You can almost guarantee that the minute you stumble upon a site claiming that the Rapture is due any day now, or that aliens are harvesting your dreams in order to keep the New World Order running, it will look like it’s been designed by a colourblind 9-year-old. With ADD. On LSD.

There should be an internet rule for this phenomenon – it’s possible there is one – to stand alongside such classics as Poe’s Law, Danth’s law and Skitt’s Law. However, I’m not going to propose one – mostly because I suck at naming things (just ask my daughter, Small Pink Thing That Screams A Lot And Won’t Sleep Through The Bloody Night Yet). Here’s where my loyal readers come in – how about suggesting a name for the law, as well as any examples you come across.

Here’s a few just to get you started:

Timecube

Let’s start off with a classic – possibly the most batshit insane site on the internet ever. The creation of one Gene Ray, it postulates that time has four corners and what we see as a day is actually 4 days. or something. It’s hard to keep track when withing the first few sentences we get:

Bible A Lie & Word Is Lies. Navel Connects 4 Corner 4s. God Is Born Of A Mother – She Left Belly B. Signature. Every Priest Has Ma Sign But Lies To Honor Queers.

Yeah… I have no idea what it means either. Add to this frequent changes in font type, size, colour, and capitalisation and you have a mix guaranteed to make your eyes bleed, whilst your brain dribbles out your ears.

TimeCube is also the reason behind the aptly named “Timecube’s law,” which states:

As the length of a webpage grows linearly, the likelihood of the author being a lunatic increases exponentially.

The Creation Museum, Taxidermy Hall of Fame of North Carolina and Antique Tool Museum

What I love about this is the way whoever is behind this clusterfuck decided to go for broke. Hell, if you’re interested in the Creation then you’re going to love antique tools and taxidermy!

“Roadside America” describes it as: “a bewildering display of over 200 stuffed animals, antique tools, barbed wire, golf balls, can openers, and I can’t remember what all else, peppered throughout with creationism messages, and housed in a Christian Bookstore. If it lives in North Carolina and isn’t a protected species, someone has stuffed it and it’s on display here.”

I bet this place is more fun than Ken Ham’s Creation Museum in Kentucky.

Jesus-is-Lord.com

What do you do if you really, really, really want to convey the voices in your head God’s Message to the people who visit your site, but you’re scared that if they follow one link, they might miss another important part of your message?

You cram it all – and I mean ALL – onto one page. Because nothing says you’re serious liek a solid wall of multi-coloured, multi-font, multi-size text, spread out with no rhyme or reason. The site supports the “King James Bible is the only true Bible” point of view – and even has a cartoon showing the NIV Bible to be the work of the Pope, Satan and (possibly Dick Cheney). I saw that, and the claim that evolution is a lie… as is the periodic table, apparently, but then my eyes once against started gushing blood.

Jesus-is-Lord.com is another shining example of Timecube’s law.

Hear Us Now USA

Where would this post be with a nod towards the purveyors of the most ungrammatical placards since English was invented – the Tea Party. Given that this site is dedication to all the Tea Party paranoia – Obama is a Marxist atheist Muslim Kenyan, who’s coming for your land, guns, souls and bodily fluids, it’s little wonder they have to provide colour-coded headlines so their readers know when to stop moving their lips as they read.

Ok…

So, there’s four examples. Please, please share any others you have in the comments and I’ll keep updating this section.

Please note that the spam filter might catch your comment if you are adding links and this will cause a delay in it appearing.

About PsyGremlin

PsyGremlin is a former Conservapedia sysop (although the position was earned nefariously), stand up comedian, DJ, and is currently a self-employed financial adviser, who impersonates a responsible adult at least 5 days a week. However, highlighting and poking fun at the crazies out there remains his first love. Well besides pork crackling. And custard. And cricket.
This entry was posted in Fun Stuff, Haig's Law, Random Stuff and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

30 Responses to We Need an Internet Law For This…

  1. Disseisitus says:

    I humbly present a flat earth society home page (there are several). A poe or actual its still awful. http://www.alaska.net/~clund/e_djublonskopf/Flatearthsociety.htm . Then theres the hollow earth site that inspired much geology rage in me when I found it. http://www.ourhollowearth.com/ourhollo/p3.html

  2. brxbrx says:

    Gerwyn’s Law!

  3. Summer Seale says:

    Oh let’s see….

    http://www.thewatcherfiles.com

    http://www.thestarchildren.com/star_children-fl.html

    http://www.cheniere.org <– Zero Point Energy guy or something. Totally insane and the "father" of that movement, apparently.

    http://www.legendarytimes.com <– Who can pass up the site of Giorgio Tsoukalous himself? Maybe the aliens should give him some design tips in the same way he thinks that they gave ancient people construction tips of a different kind.

    And who can forget: http://andromedacouncil.com

    BTW, if you haven't read the last one, you really should. You have absolutely no idea what you're missing! Apparently you're not privy to all the guns blazing action happening underwater with two alien races fighting it out by the thousands with explosions and ships flying off and huge facilities with hundreds of thousands of aliens here on earth and in space!

    Wow.

    BTW, thanks for writing this post. I've been ranting about this sort of thing since years and years.

    • PsyGremlin says:

      OMG! I’d forgotten about The Andromeda Council… and their reports on the underwater bombing of the reptiles! Actually, probably not so much forgotten as erased from my memory 🙂 It’s another great example of the Timecube law.

      Dear God… legendarytimes… who in their right mind thinks that purple and mustard is a good colour scheme?? My eyes!

      And Starchildren… how creepy is that kid in the picture??

      These are great – thanks!!

      • Summer Seale says:

        Hey, thanks for replying. =)

        Actually, I went back after I had posted it and realized suddenly that the place that I found out about those sites was from a post you did about it a few months ago or so! =) I completely forgot about it. I posted about it on G+ at the time and found your original entry which I re-read last night. Hilarious stuff. So I do have you to thank for that. =)

        I actually collected quite a few web site links from that explorative escapade at the time. I love your site, btw. Great posts every time. =)

      • Summer Seale says:

        Oh and I have to add that if you check their top news section, you’ll see that apparently they’re supposed to make “full contact with earth beings” during these Olympic games “for the entire world to see”.

        I’m breathless with anticipation.

  4. Summer Seale says:

    Oh and this is a gem of a site:

    http://wesdancin.wordpress.com

    Enjoy. =)

    • Pi says:

      How does someone mess up a WordPress blog like that? These things are designed to be in good taste with minimal effort. They would have had to spend time making it uglier.

    • PsyGremlin says:

      o_O;

      I have no words…

      • Summer Seale says:

        Here’s an article which lists thirteen of them (timecube is still #1):

        http://brainz.org/13-craziest-crackpot-internet-sites/

        I have to say, I haven’t seen those before (except for Timecube and David Icke of course). There are some “brilliant” ones in there.

        “Enjoyez” as I would say when living in France. =)

        (I imagine that if you were a doctor, there’s probably enough material in each of those sites for a PhD. =) )

        • Summer Seale says:

          Er…I meant doctoral thesis candidate.

          Also, the Haig Report has to be the most shocking one on the eyes…..

          …tread *very* carefully…. =)

          • PsyGremlin says:

            Damn! It seems that Yvette’s is no more 😦 That makes me sad, because would have been a perfect entry for this. I’ll be careful when I come to Haig report… facepalming might result.

  5. Pi says:

    How could you forget http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/ ? (blocked by my uni as “Racism and Hate”)

    I am disappoint http://www.crystalinks.com/ has been cleaned up, white background minimal swirling colours, use to be a cracker.

    Edit: Totally forgot this clusterfuck http://www.humanthoughts.org/ /joke

    • PsyGremlin says:

      Holy crap… so Jesus is Lord AND Jesus is saviour are designed by crazy people. Who’da thunk it?

  6. Pi says:

    Timecube law is “as the length of a page/rant grows linearly the likelihood that the person is crazy grows exponentially”

    I suppose we could also have:

    Unnamed law 1: “The probability that a web-designer is a wingnut is inversely proportional to their skills”.

    Unnamed law 2: “The less sane a person is, the more likely they are to believe that a 1998 geocities site was the highpoint of HTML”

    Or alternatively,

    “The probability that a web-designer is a wingnut is proportional how old of a browser will support their website”

    If it could run on netscape – your are dealing with a Class-A loony.

  7. Pi says:

    Had to hope in the wayback machine to get this one:
    http://web.archive.org/web/20091026031627/http://internal.physics.uwa.edu.au/~john/

    It is missing this lovely animated gif: http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/File:Email2.gif

  8. Summer Seale says:

    This is another brilliant site….

    http://www.lightworker.com

  9. Summer Seale says:

    What the heck..I gotta post it here and not in a reply thread.

    http://haigreport.com/index.php

    Be very careful when you open that page. You might want to wear sunglasses and turn down your monitor.

  10. Summer Seale says:

    Just had to say that when I saw the Haig Report one, the first words in my head were “holy shit….”.

    Then I scrolled down and couldn’t stop laughing. Then I hit the huge huge fonts that you can’t even see the entire letter per word on my screen and have to scroll over each letter and trace them to read what it says…and realizing there’s more below – much, much, much more.

    Then, after posting it, the words “I win!” came into my head! =)

    Beat that! It’s crazier than time cube! =)

    • PsyGremlin says:

      MY EYES!!!
      Dear God… that is awful. Thank you for sharing that… I think 🙂

      What the hell is with the split screen half way down the page.

      I need to go and lie down now.

      • Summer Seale says:

        Yeah the whole “fonts so big you have to pan over them to even make out a single letter” thing is new to me…..that blew me away. And then writing like that for a few sentences at least? I didn’t have the patience to make it out. =)

        Seriously, that has to be the craziest…”design”…I’ve ever, *ever* seen…..

        I mean even TimeCube isn’t that bad. This guy must be even less coherent in RL than “Dr” Gene Ray…. And that’s a major accomplishment of sorts.

        • PsyGremlin says:

          What blew me away is the “Editor-in-Chief: Russell G H Mathews BCom BSc LLB BA” bit.

          You have all those qualifications… and this is the result? Unless of course, BSc stands for “Bronze Swimming Certificate”

          • PsyGremlin says:

            In fact, I think we should just go ahead and call this “Haig’s law” (as postulated by my valued colleague Pi)

            “The probability that a web-designer is insane is inversely proportional to their skills”

            alternatively

            “The worse a website’s layout and design, the more likely the contents are written by somebody who is batshit insane.”

            • Summer Seale says:

              Lol I love that! “Haig’s Law”. Nice ring to it. =) BTW, I’ve tried in the last hour or so to find a crazier designed site than that one, but I have failed to top it so far. If you find any others, please let me know. I’m starting a little bookmark collection in Instapaper and DevonThink to refer to later on. I have no idea why but I have a feeling that these may be interesting to keep tabs on down the road…. =)

              (Perhaps they’ll find this comment someday and it’ll feed their insane paranoia, so let me just add that I am with the black helicopter crew and we are coming for you…muahahahahaha…) =D

          • Summer Seale says:

            Even Rimmer wasn’t this insane. =)

            It’s really interesting though…to look at all these web sites of insane people. I get the feeling as if I’m walking into their room in the sanitarium and looking at all the stuff they’ve written all over the walls and the floor so carefully while muttering to themselves. That’s exactly what it’s like, to me. It looks like the writings on the wall an floor of crazy people who tell you not to walk on their incredible equations, doesn’t it? It’s exactly like that…some sort of private corner where they scribble madly for years and years. And let’s be honest, they put a lot of work into these sites. They’re so badly done, but there is so *much* crazy content. It’s not like most sites where you go and there’s very little. These guys make zero sense, but there’s so much to read all the time. =) I mean, if you actually tried to read it all, you’d spend days there just reading this crap and trying to work it all out. Go to most vanity sites and there’s almost nothing there.

            So definitely A+ for effort on their part. Somebody really ought to do an indie movie on this subject though. =)

            • PsyGremlin says:

              The problem is that it’s not something that happens by accident. To get all those colours and blocks and borders on Haig actually takes some effort – even if you are using FrontPage or HotDog. So they must have wanted their page to look like that. At the end of it all. Mathews sat back in his chair and said, “That. Is. Awesome.”

              Which is a terrifying thought in and of itself.

Comments are closed.