I love these guys!

I believe it was Dolly Parton who said of her considerable bosom, “If I didn’t have them, I’d have had them made,” but the internet is letting me down in finding a reference. She did say, however, “People always ask me if they’re mine. Yes, they are…all bought and paid for,” so maybe that first comment is moot.

Regardless, the point I was trying to make is that if we, as the creative apes we are, realised that there was aspect of our lives missing, we’d be able to create something to fill that void. Unfortunately, when it comes to crazy people – especially on the internet – no amount of creative thinking can match what they come up with. And, let me fair here, that applies to both ends of the spectrum – whether you believe you’re the appointed ambassador to the Andromeda Council and they’re busy destroying the underwater bases of our lizard overlords… no, really:

As you know, we have all awaited the arrival & the near Earth fly-by of a very large asteroid, “Silver Ray”, aka “Ouskaar Nata”​, which would trigger specific earth change events to happen… the ‘popping off’ of undersea volcanoes triggering subsequent earthquakes off of the coast of Oregon… which would then cause the destruction of the last Draco & Hydra Reptilian undersea base [which was taken & cleared out by the Procyon people of the Andromeda Council the last weekend of March 2012].

Just within the past 24 hours the Silver Ray asteroid while on its trajectory toward Earth space was literally, physically ‘bumped’ out in space. It was hit by a space rock about the size of an old, very large, very heavy 1960s Cadillac, which as a result moved the asteroid’s original trajectory to instead now travel past the back side of the Moon, instead of having a close Earth fly-by. Because it was bumped, it is no longer on its original elliptical orbit heading toward Earth space, and it will pass by our sun, Sol, and instead head out into space.

Therefore, as an alternate plan, the people of Procyon will take the necessary actions to instead permanently fill & seal the final Draco & Hydra Reptilian undersea base, and not destroy it.

…or if you believe that you’re God’s appointed prophet on Earth and the Mayan calendar is predicting the arrival of Satan in a silver spaceship…

No, really.

Meet Pastor Harry Walther (aka Richard Landes). Pastor Harry seems to be preaching a weird combination of Revelation, the Bible Code and the Mayan prophecies, regarding the end of the world in December 2012. And he’s been doing this for the last 14 years.

I first came across Pastor Harry via Blogtalkradio, an online podcast host. If you want, you can listen to his show here. I can’t say I recommend it. After a rip-roarin’, yee-haw, I-feel-a-healin’-comin’-on revivalist song type intro, you get an hour of Pastor Harry’s deep South drawl. You know the kind I mean – the one that normally says, “You ain’t from around these parts, are you boy?” Oh yeah, and his show is called “Doomsday Talk Radio.”

What caught my eye, however, was the blurb alongside the player for his latest sermon:

CHRISTMAS? DEC 21 2012… as War and Chaos explodes around the world, the mayans said their creator-god will RETURN in his silver Spaceship to save the world. And this is the Biblical Antichrist= 666. Learn how to ESCAPE 666 -in the First of TWO RAPTURES and STOP listening to these godless, false Churches.

Random capitalisation? Check! That alone meant that I just had to click on the link to his site (www.satansrapture.com) – it just had to be a goldmine! And I was not wrong.

Now before I carry on, please allow me a slight digression, which – as you will see – is of complete relevance here. There are a couple of “laws of the internet” used to describe jokingly, but sadly true, situations on the internet. I’d like to mention two of these right now.

Firstly, we have the Timecube Law, which states:

As the length of a webpage grows linearly, the likelihood of the author being a lunatic increases exponentially.

And secondly, our own Haig’s Law:

The awfulness of a website’s design is directly proportional to the insanity of its contents and creator.

Please bear those two rules in mind, as I reveal a section (given that it takes 64 presses of “pg dn” to get from top to bottom) of Satansraputure.com:

Yup, we’ve got a live one here!

Harry claims that thanks to his mysterious “Bible Decoder Program” the code conveniently shows that “This code actually shows myself (HARRY WALTHER) going up vertically from RAPTURE- 2010 – 2011 AD at the base. At the top is FIRST FRUITS which represents the First Fruits of the Christians who are accounted WORTHY (encoded) and taken through the OPEN DOOR (encoded) into Heaven.

This makes him the One True Prophet and thus, the only person qualified to tell you how to save your soul, come the Rapture.

Where it gets really weird is that he believes that the Mayan calendar predicts that their creator-god will return to Earth in his silver spaceship on Dec 21st. The fact that Israel and Palestinians are currently bombing seven kinds of crap out of each other is just another sign of this apparently. Of course, this silver space ship, is actually Satan and this is only the first rapture. It seems that every other Christian religion is preaching lies and deceit (well, duh!) and is in league with Lucifer.

Only Pastor Harry has the plan to save you! Send money now!

But, getting back to my heading, the reason that I love guys like Pastor Harry is because of the wonderful job they do in discrediting their own belief system. Rationalists, scientists, atheists, etc, generally tend to use reasonable, well-balanced, technical arguments (that, sadly, may go over the heads of a lot of people) to try and show people that what they believe in is a crock of superstitious shit. Nothing, however, does as good a job of saying that religion is just the expression of people’s inner thoughts than the bunch of jabbering monkeys we get amongst the fundies, each one trying to out-crazy the other.

That’s not to say that Pastor Harry doesn’t have his critics; he certainly does, from both sides of the floor. Mostly, the religious fall back on the “he’s a false prophet!” argument, including this post, which says – with no hint of irony:

“Pastor” Harry Walther is clearly another of the “false prophets” that the Bible warns us about. His outrageous “warnings” – designed to scare people into believing in Jesus – can be found on his website “Satan’s Rapture”.

The funny thing is, I was under the impression that that’s what Christianity has been doing for 2,000 years.

Just to close off on the subject of false prophets. I wish, in a very small way, that the US does become a theocracy. If it does, I’m going to propose that the first law they pass is “Thy shalt not suffer a false prophet to live.” Then we can watch as people like Harold Camping and Harry Walther treat us to a mass barbeque on Washington’s Mall.

Of course, the downside of that is that Texas would declare war on Utah overnight…

About PsyGremlin

PsyGremlin is a former Conservapedia sysop (although the position was earned nefariously), stand up comedian, DJ, and is currently a self-employed financial adviser, who impersonates a responsible adult at least 5 days a week. However, highlighting and poking fun at the crazies out there remains his first love. Well besides pork crackling. And custard. And cricket.
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