This is Why the Aliens Won’t Talk to Us

To paraphrase Carl Sagan:
In one unremarkable galaxy among hundreds of billions, there is an unremarkable star among hundreds of billions of stars in that one galaxy. Around that star revolves a world with life. Some people who live on that world believe they are the center of the universe.

“I’m shocked at the countless hundreds of millions of dollars that have been spent over the years in the desperate and fruitless search for extraterrestrial life.”

Thus spake Ken Ham, once again jumping up and down in a vain attempt to show that he still has any relevance. Of course, the curator of the biggest excuse for a museum in the history of always, has no problem with the tens of millions of dollars that have been spent – mostly through tax breaks from the idiots in Kentucky’s legislature and junk bonds – in the desperate and fruitless attempt to recreate Noah’s ark alongside his laughable Creation Museum. The way things are going, the chances are we’ll find E.T. long before anybody sets a foot inside Ham’s ark… or sees a return on their investment.

Of course, when you read further into his post, you find that it’s not so much the money he’s worried about, but the fact that those evil, secular scientists are desperate to find extra-terrestrial life, in order to validate their evil theory of evolution and thereby stick to Ham’s God. To quote the bearded manchild again, “Secularists are desperate to find life in outer space, as they believe that would provide evidence that life can evolve in different locations and given the supposed right conditions! The search for extraterrestrial life is really driven by man’s rebellion against God in a desperate attempt to supposedly prove evolution!” The other side of the coin, of course, is that Ham is frantically hoping that they don’t find anything, for the simple reason that it would essentially invalidate his entire existence. This is a man who infamously went on the record during his debate with Bill Nye, saying that nothing – no amount of evidence contrary to his worldview – would change his mind. One can only assume then, that the first appearance of little green men on our TV screens, will be accompanied by the sound of Ham’s head exploding.

Bu yes, damn those scientists for rebelling against God! If only they read the Bible, then they’d know there’s no point in looking for them because a) the Bible doesn’t mention them, so therefore they can’t exist (ironically Ham doesn’t seem to grasp that neither does the Bible mention electricity, the internet, computers, Windows, WordPress or Blogspot, or whatever – all the things that Ken uses to smear his word-feces across our screens) and b) even if they do exist, they’re all going to be eternally damned anyway, because Ham’s god is a god of Earth-bound humans only, so there’s apparently no point looking for them.

As he says, And I do believe there can’t be other intelligent beings in outer space because of the meaning of the gospel. You see, the Bible makes it clear that Adam’s sin affected the whole universe. This means that any aliens would also be affected by Adam’s sin, but because they are not Adam’s descendants, they can’t have salvation. One day, the whole universe will be judged by fire, and there will be a new heavens and earth. God’s Son stepped into history to be Jesus Christ, the “Godman,” to be our relative, and to be the perfect sacrifice for sin—the Savior of mankind.

Jesus did not become the “GodKlingon” or the “GodMartian”! Only descendants of Adam can be saved. God’s Son remains the “Godman” as our Savior. In fact, the Bible makes it clear that we see the Father through the Son (and we see the Son through His Word). To suggest that aliens could respond to the gospel is just totally wrong.

Wow… where does one even begin to unpack a clusterfuck of such epic proportions?

Firstly, I think several million Mormons would beg to differ with Ham’s deduction and would all be pointing fingers in the vague direction of Kolob. But that’s just using one piece of crazy theology to poke holes in another piece of crazy theology – which is what it all boils down to in the end: the very weird theology of Ken Ham, Ray Comfort and other such dribbling maniacs.

Firstly, as you might have already gathered, despite what they say about loving Jesus etc, etc, it’s blatantly apparent that the god these guys worship isn’t the kaftan and toga wearing hippie that Paul palmed off on the Romans, but rather the egotistic, megalomaniacal, mass-murdering psychopath of the Old Testament and Revelation. Which – and here I confess to using the argument from incredulity here, but really, what else can one do when confronted with such blathering stupidity – makes Ham’s argument all the more weird.

Why would an almighty, megalomaniacal supernatural being, who demands unwavering loyalty and love (because he loves you, but if you don’t love him back, he’s totally going to torture your forever) and who basks in the adoration of his creation – when he’s not wiping them out, because he’s displeased with them, of course – create life on one tiny little blue dot, tucked away in an unfashionable arm of a spiral galaxy, to worship him. Not just that, but a tiny blue dot that is actually quite fragile when it comes to hosting said life form, and of which slightly less than half its population actually worship said being. Now, if as Ham says the Sun and the Moon only exist for seasons and to “declare the glory of God” (Seriously? A lifeless chunk of concrete-coloured rock declares the glory of your god? If you’d have said the Crab Nebula, or the Pillars of Creation, I’d have been impressed, but the Moon? Seriously?) – and that was all there was – just us, the Moon and the Sun, then it would be believable. However, this being, in its infinite wisdom then goes on to create a vast universe around this little blue dot… filling it with billions of galaxies, trillions of stars and [insert impossibly large number here] planets of various shape, form and density… and does absolutely nothing with them. This being, which demands and craves total devotion from the sentient life it is capable of creating, fills a 14 billion light-years (give or take a bit) of everything with… nothing except our little blue dot.

Which brings me to the second problem with Ham’s theory – the fact that all this was made for us. It’s just Douglas Adams’ puddle analogy applied to the entire universe. All the bright lights in the sky are purely there for our entertainment, and to remind us of how awesome our invisible friend is. Because, for some reason, this supposedly all-powerful being, believes that things like this are a far better way of getting the message across that appearing in the sky on a daily basis yelling “I’M GOD, MOTHERFUCKERS!” Then again, when you’re basing your understanding of the world and everything around it on a book written by Bronze Age goat herders, what would you expect?

It’s funny how often I’ve seen Christians – especially creationists – calling atheists and humanists arrogant and vain for not constantly prostrating ourselves in front of a vengeful invisible friend – who totally loves you, remember, but will kick your ass if you don’t love it back. That’s not the basis for a religion, that’s the plot of Fatal Attraction. And yet they cling to the belief that everything was created just for them – the metaphorical puddle into which they fit so perfectly must have been made just for them. Sadly, it’s this same egotistical, backwards and just plain wrong thinking that also fuels things like climate change denialism. Because if you’re going to be fundamentally about one aspect of the planet you live on, why not all the others too?

However, it’s the third part of Ham’s argument that I find the most… disturbing. Not just disturbing, but it’s also a clear indication of just how vile Ham’s version of Christian theology is. It’s in the little loophole that he leaves himself, by saying that even if aliens exist, they don’t matter, because they’re all doomed, thanks to Adam’s sin.

Wait… what?

Wow, now there’s some self-centered theology for you. As Ham says, “the Bible makes it clear that Adam’s sin affected the whole universe. This means that any aliens would also be affected by Adam’s sin, but because they are not Adam’s descendants, they can’t have salvation.

So, let’s look at this purely from the point of view that there is a creator being, who created Earth, Adam & Eve – and by implication all the other aliens out there. Ham happily ignores the fact that just maybe this creator Being gave similar stories to the other aliens, because for Ham, creation exists for him and him alone. But let’s use Ham’s version and assume he doesn’t – the aliens are living in blissful ignorance of just how Ham’s god is about to fuck with the beings he created.

After all, the Being creates them with a design flaw, exploits that flaw, blames them for having the flaw that he put there in the first place and punishes everybody ever, all because one person screwed up. However, Ham takes it one step further. It’s not just us poor humans that are now damned, all because we pissed of some being that supposedly loves us so much that he’s really going to stick it to us, because one person screwed up. Oh no, now all those aliens out there are also suddenly damned. Despite the fact that they haven’t got a clue what’s going on, have never heard of God, or the Milky Way, let alone Adam. Despite all this, they’re getting kicked in the fiery pit when Armageddon comes, all because some alien on a different planet screwed up.

I suppose it’s the theological equivalent of having your planet destroyed to make way for an Intergalactic Expressway.

But there’s an even darker side to this – even if Adam’s sin spreads across the universe at the speed of light, that means it’s only traveled about 6,000 light years – less than half-way across our own galaxy, let alone getting anywhere near Andromeda. That would imply that there’s potentially an awful lot of alien life out there, that is still pure, and holy and untouched by Adam’s sin, that is going to be eventually wiped out by some Being, who’s pissed at some other life form a trillion light years away.

And this is a being worth worshiping?

Ok, that’s enough of trying to figure out just how the fuck Ham’s mind works. I need to lie down now, before this high-grade stupid makes my brain leak out through my ears.

About PsyGremlin

PsyGremlin is a former Conservapedia sysop (although the position was earned nefariously), stand up comedian, DJ, and is currently a self-employed financial adviser, who impersonates a responsible adult at least 5 days a week. However, highlighting and poking fun at the crazies out there remains his first love. Well besides pork crackling. And custard. And cricket.
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9 Responses to This is Why the Aliens Won’t Talk to Us

  1. armondikov says:

    Reblogged this on Spherical Bullshit and commented:
    I was going to say something on this, but was lazy and got PsyGremlin to do it for me.

  2. Jenny Wren says:

    I’m shocked at the countless hundreds of millions of dollars that have been spent over the years in the desperate and fruitless search for [God]… [Christians] are desperate to find [God] in outer space, as they believe that would provide evidence that [prayers] can [be answered] in different locations and given the supposed right conditions! The search for [God] is really driven by man’s [fear of] [the unknown] in a desperate attempt to supposedly prove [The Bible]!

    There, I’ve just convinced Ken Ham of the scientific position.

  3. I really like your writing voice and humor. You’ve got tremendous talent, intelligence and creativity.

    “I suppose it’s the theological equivalent of having your planet destroyed to make way for an Intergalactic Expressway.”


    I’m a believer in God, but I’m not a fundamentalist. There’s got to be a word for that. Oh, yeah, “Dumb ass.” Haha. No, but what is it? “Diest” or something? I don’t know.

    Keep writing. This is a great blog. Really makes people think.

    • PsyGremlin says:

      *blushes furiously*
      Thank you for the high praise – always happy when my humble musings make somebody else happy 🙂

      I keep promising to write more, but then this nasty thing call life gets in the way. Hopefully I can remedy that soon!

      • See, there it is again. That brilliant humor of yours:

        “…life… Hopefully I can remedy that soon!”

        Dark humor. I love it!

        I’m assuming you weren’t serious, of course. If you’re serious, we’re going to have a talk. 🙂

        • PsyGremlin says:

          Oh gawd… I just reread that and realised that it came out totally wrong 🙂 And yes, very dark! No worries, not planning to top myself just yet.

  4. bsmith says:

    Using logic to debate believers doesn’t work. I think there is probably an evolutionary engrained component that compels some to believe as it was at some point a common bond that held a civilized group together, protecting them allowing the kind to perpetuate. It probably evolved into the God Gene. The only way to expel the ignorance is to evolve in the other direction which is probably the process we are in now, at least until some cataclysmic event happens propelling us back to a primitive era we we’ll need it again.

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