Fever Pitch


So, there’s been another outbreak of Ebola in Africa. Although this is by far the worst outbreak in memory, it isn’t really anything new for the people who live in those areas. What is new, however, is that not only has that pesky virus now gone and infected white Americans, at least one of them has been brought back to America, to receive treatment.

Which, of course, has the right-wing fucktards flailing wildly, as “Ebola” becomes the new catchphrase amongst the conservative bottom feeders. As one would expect, it’s not that they actually know what Ebola is, or where it comes from – it’s just another excuse for them to a) blame Obama for something and use it as a scare tactic for their equally dumbass base, for whatever other talking points there are.

So, let’s kick off with the one Republican House member, whose grip on reality is so tenuous, that she makes Alex Jones look like a beacon of sanity. Yes, Michele Bachmann – who sadly isn’t standing for re-election, thereby depriving comedians everywhere of material – heard the word “Ebola,” engaged her three braincells, called a news conference, and showed that when it comes to competition for America’s Dumbest person, Louis Gohmert has serious competition:

“People from Yemen, Iran, Iraq and other terrorist nations are making their way up through America’s southern border because they see that it’s a green light, they can easily get in,” Bachmann warned. “Not only people with potentially terrorist activities, but also very dangerous weapons are going to cross our border in addition to very dangerous drugs, and also life-threatening diseases, potentially including Ebola and other diseases like that.”

Yes, that’s right – in one convenient word-turd, Bachmann suddenly makes the humanitarian crisis at the US’s southern border, not only about those nasty Muslims trying to infiltrate the country – cunningly disguised as scared children – but also that they’re bringing Ebola with them. Of course, given that there hasn’t been a single case of Ebola in those “terrorist nations” (and why didn’t Saudi Arabia make the list?) in the history of ever, doesn’t matter to somebody like Bachmann, for whom  – like many American conservatives – facts are merely an inconvenience to be ignored.

However, Bachmann wasn’t quite finished with her own special brand of batshit insanity yet. She still has to implicate Obama in all of this (and no doubt come up with some new way to impeach the Black Man in the White House), and admittedly, she’s come up with a novel reason – Obama’s letting the kids in, in order to provide medicial researchers with a cheap source of test subjects:

“Now President Obama is trying to bring all of those foreign nationals, those illegal aliens to the country and he has said that he will put them in the foster care system,” Bachmann said. “That’s more kids that you can see how – we can’t imagine doing this, but if you have a hospital and they are going to get millions of dollars in government grants if they can conduct medical research on somebody, and a Ward of the state can’t say ‘no,’ a little kid can’t say ‘no’ if they’re a Ward of the state; so here you could have this institution getting millions of dollars from our government to do medical experimentation and a kid can’t even say ‘no.’ It’s sick.”

Where does this woman get her ideas?? But, she’s not alone in this, of course. Fellow Republicans and terrible excuses for human beings Todd Rokita and Larry Bucshon have also jumped on the Ebola bandwagon, claiming “we need to know the condition of these kids.” The way Republicans are jumping through hoops to find a way to deny these kids access to America is amazing. From blaming them for carrying Ebola, to Louis Gohmert’s ludicrous claim that it’s all part of a Marxist plot to undermine the electral base of the Republican Party, by diluting their strongholds with brown people. Gosh, I wonder if it even crossed what passes for Gohmert’s mind that if his party didn’t act like such utter cunts to those brown people, they wouldn’t need to worry about never gaining their support.

And where would we be without notorious attention whore and terrible human being Ann Coulter, putting up her hand and smearing her own special brand of feces on the internet? Somebody (it might have been Jezebel, I’m too lazy to search for it) once described what Coulter does as performance art. And I totally buy into that – Coulter acts like the misanthropic cunt she is, not 100% because she is a misanthropic cunt, but because she gets to revel in the simultaneous love of her base of inbred, dribbling rednecks, as well as the outrage her carefully chosen comments cause amongst any human being with a soul.

This, of course, makes her not just a attention whore, but a despicable creature with the social responsibility of an incontinent rhino on a croquet lawn. How else could she, with a clear conscience, write:

I wonder how the Ebola doctor feels now that his humanitarian trip has cost a Christian charity much more than any services he rendered.

What was the point?

Whatever good Dr. Kent Brantly did in Liberia has now been overwhelmed by the more than $2 million already paid by the Christian charities Samaritan’s Purse and SIM USA just to fly him and his nurse home in separate Gulfstream jets, specially equipped with medical tents, and to care for them at one of America’s premier hospitals. (This trip may be the first real-world demonstration of the economics of Obamacare.)

Can’t anyone serve Christ in America anymore?

There may be no reason for panic about the Ebola doctor, but there is reason for annoyance at Christian narcissism.

Yes, fuck that doctor for going to Africa and trying to help black people. Damn his Christian narcissism, for daring to act like Jesus suggested people should act.

You see, that is why I want to believe that what Coulter does is performance art, because if she genuinely means the vile crap she writes, then I hope that she dies, screaming. Because the planet doesn’t need people like her.

On the subject of people this planet doesn’t need, Lou Dobbs popped on Faux News to slam Obama for daring not to mention that it was a white doctor helping all those darkies over in Africa:

There was an opportunity for the president to say … that those two white people were in Africa caring for thousands of black people and they should be saluted and regarded as heroes.

Really, Lou? And what about all the local medical staff who’ve given their lives caring for the population? Should they be saluted and treated as heroes too? Or do you save your praise purely for white folk?

Still, at least that’s a step up from Donald Trump, who doesn’t even want any Ebola patients in the country. Which confuses me somewhat – conservatives are always going on about how great the US of A is, and yet somehow they seem to feel that the greatest country on Earth, doesn’t have the capability to handle a few quarantine cases.

And of course, there’s Alex Jones and his merry crew – spouting off about a) how many deaths in the US the government is already covering up and b) how the Ebola outbreak is a false flag, designed to allow the implementation of martial law and for Obama to take all your guns.

I bet all these little conservative talking heads all sink to their knees at bedtime and thank their god that a white American contracted Ebola, otherwise it would just be a news item most Americans wouldn’t give a fuck about.

About PsyGremlin

PsyGremlin is a former Conservapedia sysop (although the position was earned nefariously), stand up comedian, DJ, and is currently a self-employed financial adviser, who impersonates a responsible adult at least 5 days a week. However, highlighting and poking fun at the crazies out there remains his first love. Well besides pork crackling. And custard. And cricket.
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