A Teabagger guide to the Civil War…


…or something

So, to alleviate the pain of watching the Proteas getting thrashed by the Indians, I turned to my browser, and because I have a very strange definition of “alleviate pain,” I decided to browse that hive of wing-nuttery known as the Tea Party Community. For those of you not in the know, this is the Facebook-esque clone/rip-off/what-not those Americans that are slightly to the left of Hitler, and who think that Obama is the anti-Christ, coming to take away their guns and herd them into FEMA death any day now.

It was essentially created by people who were butt-hurt that their racist rants were constantly being taken down on Facebook… because they can’t seem to grasp that having the First Amendment right to spew racist bullshit doesn’t mean you can’t be held accountable for spouting racist bullshit. And in true libertarian style, they beg their 147,107 members (although this includes all dead accounts, because you can’t delete your account) every month for the $4,500 they need to keep going. And every month, the picture looks like this:

Tea_Party_Community_-_Tea_Party_Hub_-_2015-02-22_14.20.48Needless to say, there were tons of posts about Second Amendment rights, about how God defines marriage, how evil them Mooslems are, how the UN are going to use foreign troops to take away their guns, and how Scott Walker is next Great White Hope (no, really)… and then there was this:

snowI laughed. Slightly manically, I confess because by this time watching our cricket team getting smashed was a far more pleasing prospect than reading any more of this drivel.

And then I read the comments… dear goddess… why did I read the comments. I’ve posted samples below, because the screengrab is a bit large to post, but you can grab it in all its glory here, if you must:

  • blackyb b: Well, I suppose it is not as bad as thinking ‘global warming’ is happening when -12 degrees is going on and then panicking when it warms up enough to go swimming in the creek, or the ‘climateers’ thinking the end is near because it is mid summer and hot enough to sweat a bit. I am thinking that people thinking is overrated. Perhaps we need to watch the animals more. Animals can tell you a lot without a degree at some liberal college where professors teach anyone who is gay, black, or any religion othar than of that of those who founded this country is fine no matter their criminal background. They will give the impression that the founders of this country were totally ignorant in their beliefs and did not want present day ‘youth’ to have any fun. Liberals must have their fun at all costs. Nothing else matters in this world to them, but their smoozing and their fun.
  • Hal Smathers: Civil war? Do you mean the War of Northern Aggression?
  • Flash G: BINGO!!!!……..HAL!!!!….ge eeezzz….
  • Hal Smathers: It was about States rights.
  • Amos Elvis: Partly, but mostly the price of COTTON, not slavery.
  • Dale Kirkley: Y’all be careful now. Some liberals may see this and their little head may explode.
  • Joel James: Yes, and there was a double taxation on goods from the south, mainly cotton. It was also about how they counted the representation in congress, which allowed the north to have more votes on matters than the south per capita.
  • Joel James: I learned about it from historians in the sons of the CSA and local museums in Virginia and North Carolina. But then I truly became a believer when I was studying the journals of General Benjamin Butler, who was a Union officer and commandant of Fort Monroe when the war broke out.
  • Joel James: Hal, I wouldn’t be too hasty in declaring a winner with this one. The boys from the southern states just stopped shooting at the boys from the northern states.
  • Bill Knight: Abraham Lincoln was one of the worst presidents in history. No wonder Obama looks up to him. Both had/have a knack for wanting to trample people’s rights.
  • Arwen Undomiel: No worries, Joel. I promise I won’t let my kids be lied to by Southern revisionists.
  • Amos Elvis: Lincoln was a Tyrant!
  • J. J. Mooney: “I loved the old government in 1861. I loved the old Constitution yet. I think it is the best government in the world, if administered as it was before the war. I do not hate it; I am opposing now only the radical revolutionists who are trying to destroy it. I believe that party to be composed, as I know it is in Tennessee, of the worst men on Gods earth-men who would not hesitate at no crime, and who have only one object in view-to enrich themselves.” — Nathan Bedford Forrest, in an interview shortly after the war.

The American Civil War… oh sorry, War of Northern Aggression. Nothing to do with emancipation at all.

No wonder these guys are so upset about that uppity Negro in the White House.

About PsyGremlin

PsyGremlin is a former Conservapedia sysop (although the position was earned nefariously), stand up comedian, DJ, and is currently a self-employed financial adviser, who impersonates a responsible adult at least 5 days a week. However, highlighting and poking fun at the crazies out there remains his first love. Well besides pork crackling. And custard. And cricket.
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7 Responses to A Teabagger guide to the Civil War…

  1. Arthur Adams says:

    It’s things like that that make me question the whole “malice towards none” thing.

  2. Arthur Adams says:

    Mostly, the people spouting the rhetoric are looking to hide their real agenda, one that can be best summed up with, “I’ve got nothing against ; I think everybody should own a few!”

    • PsyGremlin says:

      Well, they have Erik Rush and Ben Carson…

      • Arthur Adams says:

        I doubt either of them are especially pro-Confederate…

        I doubt you’ll find many pro-Confederates outside the South; I suspect most conservatives outside the former Confederacy view them as an embarrassment, but they don’t want to take them on.

        • PsyGremlin says:

          It’s still weird. I mean obviously not all minorities are Obama supporters, but people like Rush and Carson in particular appear to be pandering to a demographic who would be more likely to shoot them, than invite them in for a beer, if they turned up uninvited on their doorstep.

  3. Arthur Adams says:

    Erik Rush is a hack trading on his last name with no success outside the far-right blogosphere.

    Carson is a more interesting case — he’s what the Republicans wanted Colin Powell to be: an African American success story, socially conservative, and willing to speak like a talk radio/Fox News host. Powell was nothing like that — he was certainly a success story, but he was socially moderate, and pretty much above partisan politics.

    Had Powell been the Republican nominee in 2000, he would have waltzed into the White House. (I doubt if I’d have voted for him, but I’d still say “I disagree with him, but I respect him”.) He’d never have gotten through the primaries though. (And it’s widely reported his wife didn’t want him to run , for fear he’d be assassinated.)

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