What a Load of Pork Pies


Among the thankfully few things that really make me want to throw stuff around, food woo is probably about 5th on the list, having recently been displaced by the raft of Flat Earth insanity seems to be cropping up with both increasing frequency, and levels of insanity. It’s not one of my biggest bugbears – although I could quite happily sing the chorus from Carmina Burana, while stuffing Vani Hari face-first into a blender – but the levels of ignorance, insanity and outright lying these lunatics put out, usually so they can make money off the equally insane and / or gullible, is no less headdesk inducing.

Such is the post below, posted by an online friend, which originally came form the Facebook page of an evangelical, Florida-based (why, Florida. Why?) preacher called JR Colfer. Generally, his FB page isn’t as batshit insane as, say, Ray Comfort’s – it’s mostly links to sermons and a few fire and brimstone posts… although there is a link purporting to be proof that Obama is going to implement “international martial law” – whatever the hell that is, and the random use of CAPS LOCK.

Anyway, back in September 2014 Colfer clearly felt the need to warn his flock of the evils of eating pork, because clearly the Bible saying “Don’t do the thing!” wasn’t enough. Instead Colfer dug into that bottomless pit of woo-info – his ass – and presented us with thirteen 99% bullshit reasons why you shouldn’t pork. They’re not even wrong. They’re just another example of the “if I can’t pronounce it, it must be bad for you” mob, only in this case, he’s going the “if I can make something sound really, really awful, I’m sure people will believe me… especially if I throw in some big words.”

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Don’t worry if you can’t really read all the points, I’ll list them all below as I do my best to refute them, using common sense (which these people seem to lack) and hopefully, without having to science too much. Ok, here goes:

A pig is a real garbage gut. It will eat anything including urine, excrement, dirt, decaying animal flesh, maggots, or decaying vegetables. They will even eat the cancerous growths off other pigs or animals.

Nope. A large part of what pigs eat will depend on the circumstances in which they are kept. So, if their crap ends up getting on their food they’ll eat it. Hell chickens eat their own crap, to get at any seeds that might have made it through their system first time round. They’re also omnivores, so yes they will eat flesh… but only that of dead animals, and certainly not cancerous growths off living creatures. A pig will not eat rubbish for the sake of eating rubbish.

The meat and fat of a pig absorbs toxins like a sponge. Their meat can be 30 times more toxic than beef or venison.

This is just bollocks. Colfer just throws out the word “toxic” because it’s a bad word, and then magnifies just how bad he thinks it should be. As with most of these yahoos, no evidence is provided to back up his claims.

When eating beef or venison, it takes 8 to 9 hours to digest the meat so what little toxins are in the meat are slowly put into our system and can be filtered by the liver. But when pork is eaten, it takes only 4 hours to digest the meat. We thus get a much higher level of toxins within a shorter time.

Now I Googled “digestion time for pork” and every first page link that Google threw back at me, was to some kind of woo page, including David Icke. However, his claim is patently a load of crap. Once agaiin, he doesn’t clarify toxins and is clearly unaware of the job done by the pancreas, gall bladder, liver and the stomach in breaking food down.

Unlike other mammals, a pig does not sweat or perspire. Perspiration is a means by which toxins are removed from the body. Since a pig does not sweat, the toxins remain within its body and in the meat.

Yes, partially true. Pigs don’t sweat, which makes them the only other animal that can get sunstroke, besides humans. However, perspiration is not the ONLY means, nor is it in any way the major method, of getting rid of unwanted salts, etc. Once again not toxins, and I’m not sure if Colfer has heard about the liver and kidneys.

Pigs and swine are so poisonous that you can hardly kill them with strychnine or other poisons.

WTF did I just read?? That’s not how poisons work.

Farmers will often pen up pigs within a rattlesnake nest because the pigs will eat the snakes, and if bitten they will not be harmed by the venom.

Once again… WHAT?! Yes, pigs eat snakes. So do chickens. Neither are immune to being bitten by a snake. But if you as a farmer are going to use pigs to solve a rattler problem, you suck at being a pig farmer.

When a pig is butchered, worms and insects take to its flesh sooner and faster than to other animal’s flesh. In a few days the swine flesh is full of worms.

Ok, this just made me Google “how long does it take human to decay,” which has probably landed me on some watch list somewhere, but Colfer might be surprised to learn that even humans, especially in warmer climates – like Florida – could be riddled with maggots within a few hours of death. (Apologies if you’re reading this over your dinner… especially if it’s rice.) Any dead flesh would be “full of worms” within 2-3 days, if left out in the open and nature can take its course.

Swine and pigs have over a dozen parasites within them, such as tapeworms, flukes, worms, and trichinae. There is no safe temperature at which pork can be cooked to ensure that all these parasites, their cysts, and eggs will be killed.

Yes and no. Yes, pigs have parasites. So do many other animals, including humans. However, cooking pork at about 70C (160F) kills off the bugs and renders the meat safe to eat. To render chicken safe to eat, it’s best to cook it at 75C (165F). Basically, eating ANY under cooked meat can result in you catching something nasty.

Pig meat has twice as much fat as beef. A 3 oz T bone steak contains 8.5 grams of fat; a 3 oz pork chop contains 18 grams of fat. A 3 oz beef rib has 11.1 grams of fat; a 3 oz pork spare rib has 23.2 grams of fat.

Yes, pork is a fatty meat, but not as much as Colfer claims. From what I could find, a 4oz pork chop has 7 grams of fat and a 4oz rib has 18 grams. Plus given America’s love affair with fast food, and the fact that as much as 1/3rd of the population are at best overweight and at worst obese, pork isn’t the biggest problem here.

Cows have a complex digestive system, having four stomachs. It thus takes over 24 hours to digest their vegetarian diet causing its food to be purified of toxins. In contrast, the swine’s one stomach takes only about 4 hours to digest its foul diet, turning its toxic food into flesh.

This is essentially repeating point 3, and getting it even more wrong. Cows have to chew their food the way they do, because it is incredibly hard to extract nutritional value from grass. And food doesn’t automatically become flesh. That’s not how digestion works!

The swine carries about 30 diseases which can be easily passed to humans. This is why God commanded that we are not even to touch their carcase (sic) (Lev 11:8).

From a bit of research, I can find only 6 things you can catch from pigs: Brucellosis, Cysticercosis, Neurocysticercosis, Trichinosis, Pork tapeworm and Flu. And all of these are easily avoided by cooking your food properly, or being hygienic while preparing the food. Like you should be doing with all the other food you prepare.

The trichinae worm of the swine is microscopically small, and once ingested can lodge itself in our intestines, muscles, spinal cord or the brain. This results in the disease trichinosis. The symptoms are sometimes lacking, but when present they are mistaken for other diseases, such as typhoid, arthritis, rheumatism, gastritis, MS, meningitis, gall bladder trouble, or acute alcoholism.

True. This is why you must cook your food properly. Salmonella is no fun either, but chickens don’t get the same level of hate. That said, I couldn’t find a reputable site linking signs of alcoholism to trichinosis, but I only looked at Google’s first page of results.

The pig is so poisonous and filthy, that nature had to prepare him a sewer line or canal running down each leg with an outlet in the bottom of the foot. Out of this hole oozes pus and filth his body cannot pass into its system fast enough. Some of this pus gets into the meat of the pig.

And this was the point where my head met desk and things were thrown around.

About PsyGremlin

PsyGremlin is a former Conservapedia sysop (although the position was earned nefariously), stand up comedian, DJ, and is currently a self-employed financial adviser, who impersonates a responsible adult at least 5 days a week. However, highlighting and poking fun at the crazies out there remains his first love. Well besides pork crackling. And custard. And cricket.
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3 Responses to What a Load of Pork Pies

  1. Mick McT says:

    After a loud WTF, I re-read the article.

    For some obscure reason the following caught my eye: “Pig meat has twice as much fat as beef. A 3 oz T bone steak contains 8.5 grams of fat; a 3 oz pork chop contains 18 grams of fat. A 3 oz beef rib has 11.1 grams of fat; a 3 oz pork spare rib has 23.2 grams of fat.”

    I have no idea whether the statement is correct or not, and by that stage I was way past caring, but it did occur to me that if the author wanted to be taken seriously, at least he ought to be consistent with his units, and not mix metric and imperial.

    Besides, every one knows that the really evil food is actually a tomato.
    http://paleochora-woowoo.blogspot.co.uk/2008/03/breakthrough.html

    • PsyGremlin says:

      It seems a bit strange, but even when I used Google, it gives the amount of fat in grams, but the quantity in ounces. I guess it’s some sort of standard convention?

      • Mick McT says:

        Probably something in the bibble about mixing ounces with grams….or does that just apply to not eating shellfish on a Friday? I’m confused.

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