Disclaimer: I’d written this entire article, then realised they were talking about April 2018. Doesn’t invalidate the points raised though.
I’m not sure if Christian fanatics have short memories, or are just terminally gullible, but you’d think that after the wonderful clusterfuck that was Harold Camping’s “Rapture’s-happening-today-no-sorry-it’s-next-month-or-maybe-not” you’d think they’d have learned their lesson. But nooo. This is, after all, a death cult that basically exists in a froth of anticipation of life as we know it being extinguished and them being carried up to Heaven… where, it would appear that rather than sitting on a cloud, playing a harp, they’re really, REALLY looking forward to watching people they don’t like being cast into a pit of fire for ever. Because Jesus, or something.
Needless to say, this constant on the edge of their seat end times fetishism leaves your average fundie nutjob open to exploitation by any glib conman that comes along… and of course they do. In this case, the conman in question is one David Meade (not to be confused with the mentalist by the same name) , a “Christian numerologist” and repeat offender when it comes to failed apocalyptic prophesies. (Again, you’d think people would learn after the first one, but nooooo.) Meade – this is his pen name by the way, nobody knows his real name, probably to avoid being sued every time he fucks up a prediction – has made a career of of penning various End Times books, which I presume are lapped up by those looking forward to watching humanity get wiped out. Most of these involve the planet Nibiru, because why limit your crazy to just one thing, right?
Not the craziest eyes I’ve seen on a fundie, but not far off
Now, I must post a caveat here. The original story was posted in the UK’s Daily Express, for whom Meade seems to be the go to guy when they need to fill column inches with apocalyptic claptrap. To quote the Express:
One theory suggests the end times dates back to astrological constellations appearing on November 23, matching the book of Revelation 12:1-2.
The passage signals the start of the Rapture and the second coming of Jesus Christ.
The passage 12:1–2 reads: “And a great sign appeared in heaven: a woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet, and on her head a crown of 12 stars. She was pregnant and was crying out in birth pains and the agony of giving birth.”Mr Meade also predicts a mythological planetary system known as Planet X or Nibiru will appear in the sky on April 23.
He claims it will then pass the Earth in October, causing the start of the Rapture with huge volcanoes and volcanic eruptions due to its gravitational force.
He said: “During this time frame, on April 23, 2018 the moon appears under the feet of the Constellation Virgo.
“The Sun appears to precisely clothe Virgo… Jupiter is birthed on April 08, 2018.
“The 12 stars at that date include the nine stars of Leo, and the three planetary alignments of Mercury, Venus and Mars – which combine to make a count of 12 stars on the head of Virgo.
“Thus the constellations Virgo, Leo and Serpens-Ophiuchus represent a unique once-in-a-century sign exactly as depicted in the 12th chapter of Revelation. This is our time marker.”
But it must be true, The Express even wheeled out Mad Santa to tell you about it:
Gather round kids, Grandpa’s meds have worn off, and he’s got a story for ya!
Well, it’s just turned noon here on the 24th, and *of course* the Rapture hasn’t happened. And not just because the whole concept of Nibiru is a crock of shit, but so is the concept of the Rapture, designed to keep an ignorant flock in line (if you’re bad, you’ll go to Hell, and that could happen any day now. Yup, any day now) and it will never ever happen. The only purpose the Rapture serves is to make conmen like Meade rich.
So, why did I say there was a caveat? Well, let’s just say the Express isn’t the more reliable source of news. Not that stopped Fox News from covering their Rapture article, of course. After all, some of their headlines running alongside the article claim:
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- Royal baby BORN? The clues suggesting Meghan Markle has ALREADY given birth
- Apocalypse: Why Christian pastor claims ‘doomsday IMMINENT’ – ‘Jesus is coming’
- UFO sighting: Colorado family STUNNED by ‘100 percent REAL’ alien UFO – Shock video
- Secret spaceship base ‘found on the Moon’ – UFO hunters in astonishing claim
So that’s the kind of “journalism” you’re dealing with. Which probably gave Meade his out, when Nibiru didn’t magically appear out of the sky, bearing down on us. For some reason, Meade turned up in the Guardian, claiming the Express story was… wait for it… “fake news” (my irony meter just exploded again) and then doubled down, saying that the end of the world would “occur at some point between May and December of this year 2018.
Which, hindsight being 20/20, and Meade’s “Christian numerology” being a complete crock of shit, didn’t happen either. And yet, I’m willing to bet it hasn’t affected his book sales, and just as many people will latch on to his next bullshit prophecy.
We couldn't make this up... 