Congratulations! You survived another Rapture!

Disclaimer: I’d written this entire article, then realised they were talking about April 2018. Doesn’t invalidate the points raised though.

I’m not sure if Christian fanatics have short memories, or are just terminally gullible, but you’d think that after the wonderful clusterfuck that was Harold Camping’s “Rapture’s-happening-today-no-sorry-it’s-next-month-or-maybe-not” you’d think they’d have learned their lesson. But nooo. This is, after all, a death cult that basically exists in a froth of anticipation of life as we know it being extinguished and them being carried up to Heaven… where, it would appear that rather than sitting on a cloud, playing a harp, they’re really, REALLY looking forward to watching people they don’t like being cast into a pit of fire for ever. Because Jesus, or something.

Needless to say, this constant on the edge of their seat end times fetishism leaves your average fundie nutjob open to exploitation by any glib conman that comes along… and of course they do. In this case, the conman in question is one David Meade (not to be confused with the mentalist by the same name) , a “Christian numerologist” and repeat offender when it comes to failed apocalyptic prophesies. (Again, you’d think people would learn after the first one, but nooooo.) Meade – this is his pen name by the way, nobody knows his real name, probably to avoid being sued every time he fucks up a prediction – has made a career of of penning various End Times books, which I presume are lapped up by those looking forward to watching humanity get wiped out. Most of these involve the planet Nibiru, because why limit your crazy to just one thing, right?

Not the craziest eyes I’ve seen on a fundie, but not far off

Now, I must post a caveat here. The original story was posted in the UK’s Daily Express, for whom Meade seems to be the go to guy when they need to fill column inches with apocalyptic claptrap. To quote the Express:

One theory suggests the end times dates back to astrological constellations appearing on November 23, matching the book of Revelation 12:1-2.

The passage signals the start of the Rapture and the second coming of Jesus Christ.

The passage 12:1–2 reads: “And a great sign appeared in heaven: a woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet, and on her head a crown of 12 stars. She was pregnant and was crying out in birth pains and the agony of giving birth.”

Mr Meade also predicts a mythological planetary system known as Planet X or Nibiru will appear in the sky on April 23.

He claims it will then pass the Earth in October, causing the start of the Rapture with huge volcanoes and volcanic eruptions due to its gravitational force.

He said: “During this time frame, on April 23, 2018 the moon appears under the feet of the Constellation Virgo.

“The Sun appears to precisely clothe Virgo… Jupiter is birthed on April 08, 2018.

“The 12 stars at that date include the nine stars of Leo, and the three planetary alignments of Mercury, Venus and Mars – which combine to make a count of 12 stars on the head of Virgo.

“Thus the constellations Virgo, Leo and Serpens-Ophiuchus represent a unique once-in-a-century sign exactly as depicted in the 12th chapter of Revelation. This is our time marker.”

But it must be true, The Express even wheeled out Mad Santa to tell you about it:

Gather round kids, Grandpa’s meds have worn off, and he’s got a story for ya!

Well, it’s just turned noon here on the 24th, and *of course* the Rapture hasn’t happened. And not just because the whole concept of Nibiru is a crock of shit, but so is the concept of the Rapture, designed to keep an ignorant flock in line (if you’re bad, you’ll go to Hell, and that could happen any day now. Yup, any day now) and it will never ever happen. The only purpose the Rapture serves is to make conmen like Meade rich.

So, why did I say there was a caveat? Well, let’s just say the Express isn’t the more reliable source of news. Not that stopped Fox News from covering their Rapture article, of course. After all, some of their headlines running alongside the article claim:

• • Royal baby BORN? The clues suggesting Meghan Markle has ALREADY given birth
  • Apocalypse: Why Christian pastor claims ‘doomsday IMMINENT’ – ‘Jesus is coming’
  • UFO sighting: Colorado family STUNNED by ‘100 percent REAL’ alien UFO – Shock video
  • Secret spaceship base ‘found on the Moon’ – UFO hunters in astonishing claim

So that’s the kind of “journalism” you’re dealing with. Which probably gave Meade his out, when Nibiru didn’t magically appear out of the sky, bearing down on us. For some reason, Meade turned up in the Guardian, claiming the Express story was… wait for it… “fake news” (my irony meter just exploded again) and then doubled down, saying that the end of the world would “occur at some point between May and December of this year 2018.

Which, hindsight being 20/20, and Meade’s “Christian numerology” being a complete crock of shit, didn’t happen either. And yet, I’m willing to bet it hasn’t affected his book sales, and just as many people will latch on to his next bullshit prophecy.

 

I Watched Logan Paul’s Flat Earth Movie So You Don’t Have To

Gasp! I know right – it’s only taken me three years to grind the blog back into life. Admittedly, I’ve spent most of those three years screaming into a pillow, faced with so many monumental clusterfucks on so many fronts, I’m fairly sure that if I had carried on blogging, the last post would’ve been a Shining-esque “We’re all fucked” repeated ad infinitum, until they came to take me away.  Not to mention that most of the topics I used to post about – World Nut Daily, Ray Comfort, Conservapedia, etc., have become increasingly irrelevant, or have faded into the background noise of the never ending shitshow that our lives have become. But it is satisfying to see that evangelicals like Falwell, Jeffers, Graham, et al are finally letting their true Dominionist, Christian-fascist colours show, by proclaiming Trump to be the God-anointed saviour of us all, because fuck that Jesus hippy.

So why today’s post? What could have possibly irked me enough to go through the whole “please reset your forgotten password / password can’t be the same as previous password” routine and once again vent my jaundiced spleen upon the world? Actually, I’m starting off lightly for now, just dipping my toe back into the murky waters, to see if I can get through a few paragraphs, before the existential dread sets in again. I’m simply going to look at what happens when you combine the rising scourge of flat earthers, with a YouTube “personality.”

Now, I must start off by saying that the only thing I know about Logan Paul is that he was involved in a brouhaha over filming suicide victims in Japan’s Aokigahara. Which already kind of tells me everything I need to know about Logan Paul. Still, hot on the heels of the brilliant “Behind the Curve” documentary and countless YouTubers who do sterling work actually debunking the crazies, Paul went the Asylum route, and made something that vaguely looks like the original, but is magnitudes of order worse. And to spare you, Dear Patient Reader, I spent an hour of my time that I’ll never get back, watching it, so you don’t have to. So without further ado, let’s plumb the depths of… *drumroll*

Ok, to be fair, Paul does call it a movie in the online title, because this is as much a documentary as anything Ray Comfort has ever put out. It’s 90% scripted (badly) and 99% acted (even worse) and no, there isn’t any actual debunking happening (spoiler alert!). So, after a flash montage of what’s coming in the show, we cut to picture of sunrise over Earth’s curve, and the ominous voice over:

“Conspiracy theories. We’ve all heard them; the legend of Bigfoot, the aliens of Roswell, Area 51, Reptilian Overlords, you name it. Everywhere you go, there’s crazy stories being told, but even crazier, people that actually believe them. However, this is not one of those conspiracies.”

Er, dude. Yes it is. It’s exactly one of those conspiracies. But go on.

Zoom in on (I assume) his house. Zoom in on Logan Paul, wearing Dead Serious Face^©, who’s about to tell you who he is. He’s apparently a “controversial YouTube star,” “boxer,” “ex-vegan,” and *sigh* “your boyfriend’s worst nightmare.” Because of course, that’s how serious film makers describe themselves. Then we get this gem:

“My whole life I was taught several irrefutable truths: the sky is blue; lemurs are native to South Africa -“

*record scratch noise*

Say what? Given that lemurs are ONLY native to Madagascar (thanks, Wikipedia!), I can’t even joke that he got most of the letters right. No really, it actually worries me. Does he think South Africa is an island? Does he know what lemurs are? Shit like this keeps me awake at night. Seriously, we’re only at 2:20 and I’m already faced with stuff like this? It’s going to be a very long hour.

We’re then treated to a montage of Paul being the most Broski-Do-You-Even-Bro-Bro, which is what I assume his channel is all about. Surprisingly (or possibly not), given the backlash of his forest video (it goes without saying that it seems his entire Japanese trip was every bit as awful as you can imagine) the fake skit he’s filming for this segment, appears to have resulted in the death of a participant. Because dead people are so fucking hilarious. But I digress.

Ah, now comes the Big Plot Point. Remember, this all (badly) scripted so take it whence it comes. Paul gets taken to one side by one of his I-Bro-Do-You-Bro bros, who out of nowhere (because that’s how conversations work… although I will say that from watching Behind the Curve, it does appear to be a tactic used by Flearthers) asks “Do you ever think the Earth is flat? That everything NASA says is a lie.” He even takes Paul to one side, and has his baseball cap on backwards, so you know he’s Dead Fucking Serious.

Ok, let’s skip about 15 minutes of scripted gibberish, which supposedly shows Paul’s conversion to the Flearther cause, and get to the crux of the entire video – Paul trolling the Flat Earth Convention. And, for all his other faults, this is probably where the genius of this film lies. As with any pseudoscience, there’s no form of peer review, no standards, and anybody can push any version of the theory they like. Plus, they’re desperate for any kind of official recognition from Somebody, No Really Anybody With A Modicum of Fame. Remember, the original Flat Earth Society issued Thomas Dolby with a membership card, purely on the strength of the fact his second album was called The Flat Earth. We get clips from speakers at the conference, and Paul chatting to attendees, and just letting the crazy flow. There are a few gems from attendees:

“Gravity is still only a theory and buoyancy and density still hold on.”
“I’m not ashamed to say that Brian Cox, Neil deGrasse Tyson, Bill Nye aren’t as smart as they think they are.”
“What people call other planets aren’t planets. What we see in the sky are little lights; they’re very close.”
“I need facts. I can think for myself; I don’t need to be told what to think. If NASA would lie about the globe and the Moon landings, what else is everyone lying about”

 

That last one is a bit sad, as it’s coming from a kid in her tweens… so maybe the future isn’t entirely in safe hands. Again, this nothing you haven’t seen if you’ve already watched Behind the Curve, and they do it much better. We do meet Mike Hughes – the guy who blasted off in his own rocket, to prove the earth is flat – but the only interaction with him is literally Paul wanting to palm some his “Maverick” “merch” off on him. Not one question about “So what did you see while you were up there?” Then again, I’m guessing Paul doesn’t know the full story behind Hughes.

He does have a sit down with conference organiser, Robbie Davidson, and whether by luck or an actually good interviewing skill, manages to extract a telling comment from Davidson:

Paul: What, in your opinion, is the most damning piece of scientific evidence [for a flat Earth]?

Davidson: When you’re taught that you just came from nothing, because the scientific narrative is nothing exploded and created everything, and they think we’re crazy. They want to believe nothing created all of this. When you start looking into the fact that everything in the sky was put in place for us, there’s value; maybe there’s something out there that’s watching over us.”

Ok, ignoring the fact that nothing of what Davidson said constitutes scientific evidence, what he did say reflects the mindset of every conspiracy theorist out there, especially (from my own experience) creationists and anti-vaxxers. It’s the indulgent need to feel special, to be (in this case literally) the centre of the universe, to have the Arcane Knowledge that nobody else has. Just like every quack medicine and pseudoscientific belief, it has absolutely nothing to do with facts or reality, and everything to do with them wanting to feel special. Because, apparently, being a sentient lump of carbon isn’t special enough. (Ah, and we’re in familiar rant territory again. It’s good be back!)

For the rest, he speaks at the conference about how he’s coming out of the closet (crowd goes wild), more scripted stuff, included Hot Flat Earth Girl Falls For Paul’s Rugged Flat Earth Believing Looks, before we get the final PLOT TWIST!! Backwards Baseball Cap Bro reveals that he was only joking when he asked if Paul thought the Earth was flat. Shock!  Horror! Paul has breakdown, realises the earth is round, breaks Hot Flat Earth Girl’s heart, and runs around Denver (or at least garage forecourt) naked. I don’t know why the last bit happened, it must be a Bro thing.

So… yeah. it’s not great. But then I’m a crotchety, jaundiced fift-mumble-mumble-year old. This might be the perfect way for younger people and Paul’s YouTube followers to see just how dumb the whole flat earth thing is. That said, it could have worked far better if he’d just played the whole thing straight from the start. Ignore the whole scripted rubbish and just said, “Guys, I’m going to the Flat Earth Convention, as a flat earther and let’s see what happens.” And then like with Behind the Curve, he could’ve just sat back and let the crazy flow. As I mentioned above, there are definitely moments when he gets it, but it gets lost in his inability to follow through and the general noise of YouTube Bro Makes Movie for Bros.

Was it an hour wasted? Yeah, pretty much. 58 minutes just for the golden quote from Davidson above is heavy going. And I won’t be rushing out to watch any more Logan Paul stuff.

Now, dare we hope it won’t take me another 3 years to get typing again?

What a Load of Pork Pies

Among the thankfully few things that really make me want to throw stuff around, food woo is probably about 5^th on the list, having recently been displaced by the raft of Flat Earth insanity seems to be cropping up with both increasing frequency, and levels of insanity. It’s not one of my biggest bugbears – although I could quite happily sing the chorus from Carmina Burana, while stuffing Vani Hari face-first into a blender – but the levels of ignorance, insanity and outright lying these lunatics put out, usually so they can make money off the equally insane and / or gullible, is no less headdesk inducing.

Such is the post below, posted by an online friend, which originally came form the Facebook page of an evangelical, Florida-based (why, Florida. Why?) preacher called JR Colfer. Generally, his FB page isn’t as batshit insane as, say, Ray Comfort’s – it’s mostly links to sermons and a few fire and brimstone posts… although there is a link purporting to be proof that Obama is going to implement “international martial law” – whatever the hell that is, and the random use of CAPS LOCK.

Revisiting the Predictions

Exactly a year ago today, I published a post looking at some of the predictions so-called psychics were making for 2015. Now that we’re safely in 2016, and it’s been a year, I think it’s time to go back revisit their claims.

Let’s Clear This Rainbow / Pride Flag Thing Up for Once and For All

The other day, I made mention, on an online friend’s page, that marriage equality (and thus America’s entry into the 21st century, as far as basic human rights go) would be one of the legacies of Obama’s term in office. Silly me. This was an American online friend and true to form, it took bare seconds before the dribbling, batshit insane bigotry was on show:

Marriage initially meaning a covenant with God between a man and a woman that is all but completely ignored and mocked by those who want nothing to do with God and after everything was said and done, flashing the symbol God used after he flooded the earth as a symbol of pride mocking Him.

What’s Stopping You? Nothing, and That’s the Point.

Much like my comments on the Duggars below, here’s another excellent post, taking apart Ken Ham, who just can’t seem to understand why people who don’t believe in his god aren’t shagging animals, along with raping everybody in sight and eating babies.

Spherical Bullshit

For years upon years upon years, religious apologists have been asking the same question of the non-religious and non-believers – what’s stopping you from committing crimes? What holds you back from raping, murdering, stealing and generally causing chaos? What stops you?

After all, we don’t – and to a degree can’t – live by any moral guidance determined for us and dictated from up on high.

Now, this opens up a huge can of worms when you take it to its conclusion; namely, that such questions imply that if the existence of an all-powerful creator-deity was suddenly disproved, or that said-theist stopped believing in it overnight, that they’d immediately embark upon a murderous rampage leaving nothing but dust in their wake. It assumes that under humanity’s playful exterior beats the heart of a ruthless, sadistic maniac. A fair assessment of humanity given our track record, sure, but not one…

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Defending the Indefensible

The only thing that has surprised me less about yet another Christian fundamentalist and rabid homophobe being caught up in a sexual scandal, has been a) the people coming out in defence of his actions and b) the excuses they are using to defend his actions. I’m talking, of course, of the ongoing Josh Duggar sex scandal, where instead of a rabid homophobe being caught with his pants down in a men’s public bathroom, it’s finally come to light that as a teenager (and for who knows how much longer) he was molesting little girls, including his own sisters.

I say “sisters,” because Duggar is the eldest of the abnormally large Duggar family, which belongs to the strange “Quiverful” cult. Here, in simplest terms, women are taught to be subservient to their man, to give in to his sexual demands whenever (i.e. marital rape) and are turned into little more than breeding machines, churning out children like human sausage factories.

So, A Mormon Walks Into An Awards Ceremony…

…no there isn’t really a punchline to that opening. Except to say that once again the religious nutters put on a display that illustrates that they really are a bunch of self-entitled, arrogant asswipes.

Now, before I continue this post, I think I have to state a couple of points:

1. On my list of “batshit insane religions,” the Church of LDS, or Mormons, ranks third, just behind Scientology and the Jehovah Witnesses. And it’s really only behind the JWs, because Mormons at least believe in letting a dying child have a blood transfusion. But when you get down to believing that one man saw magic golden plates that only he could translate, and the Native Americans are dark-skinned because they killed the original lost tribe of Israel… it’s really just a hop, skip and a jump to believing you’re infested with the ghosts of aliens, dropped in a volcano and blown up with h-bombs.
2. That said, I happen to really enjoy the music of Lindsey Stirling, who also happens to be a Mormon. I also think that compared to the antics of the Britney’s and Beyonce’s and Kardashians’, etc, etc out there, she is a pretty good, level-headed person and a pretty good role model for youngsters. Yes, occasionally she posts about her religion, of which she is a devout follower, but that should in no way have an impact on my liking her music.
3. However, that comes with a caveat. I like to think that Lindsey sees herself as a really good person, with a positive outlook on life, who just happens to be a Mormon. It would be really sad if she thinks she’s a good person, with a positive outlook on life, because she’s a Mormon. That said, should she ever publicly voice agreement with her Church’s beliefs on things like opposing gay marriage, then I would lay into her, just as I would any of the other bigots that feature on this page. Until then, I don’t know what she does and does not personally believe, so I can’t comment.

Dear Mister Zuma

I noticed yet another article, where instead of admitting that 21 years into South Africa’s new democracy, your ruling party is cocking things up on an unparalleled scale, you chose to once again blame apartheid for leaving SA “an angry country.”

Consider this my open letter response to your mindless dribbling, Mr Zuma.

No, you fat, useless git – let me tell you what made South Africa a sick country.

The Nuances of Oppression

You’re probably going to hear (or read) me using the word “colonialism” (and “shit”) quite a bit in this post, because in this wonderful, crazy country of ours, it’s the newest buzzword since “Nkandla.” However, whilst I was drafting this in my mind (before getting up a 3 a.m. to type it before I lost my train of thought) it struck me that after democracy back in 1994, one of the first things South Africa did was rejoin the Commonwealth of Nations. You know – the colonial old boys’ club, that used to be called the British Commonwealth. Because nothing says, “We are shaking off the chains of our old oppressors!” like joining an organization that results in us having a British High Commissioner, instead of an ambassador, because of some arcane protocol. Still, at least we don’t have Queen Liz on the currency. Then again, we also don’t have Zuma on our stamps, because people wouldn’t know which side to spit on.